My wife is straight, she will be here but may not actually join or watch. I am bi bottom only. We would host at home, husband is looking to swap oral then bottom. If are a couple with a bi guy, we can work it out so all of us are happy-happy! As a couple we like to BBQ, go camping, fishing & gold detecting! So this may not be just about sex. Are you ok with that? We don't have any STDs & prefer to keep it that way so please don't respond if you have any (duh) and count on using a condom - however, the only thing that is cast in stone is that nothing is cast in stone. Always better to ask than to always wonder what the answer might be. Thanks, JnL Have A Chuckle: When I was a I worked as a cowboy, one day I was riding with another fellow and the conversation turned to our favorite sex position. I will never forget that conversation: He said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." I answered, "What's that?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around with your arms, cup her tits, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 8 seconds." When I, Jake, was even younger I took my cat to school one day and the teacher asked, "Why is your cat at school today Jake?" I replied and was almost in tears, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jake leaves for school today!'" A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "What?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared the rest off." The teacher says, "No, Johnny the correct answer is two, but I understand how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!" A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you don't!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

My Ideal Person Chuckles:

1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
We’re closed ~ Beat it.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.

11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it cums on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
The man.

19. Why do vegetarians give good head?
Because they’re used to eating nuts.

20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.

21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

24. Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your whole week.

31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.

32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

39. Know what a '6.9' is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.

42. Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
They're plugged into a genius

WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
They don't have time

WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE 1 EGG?
They don't stop for directions

WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
A vibrator can't mow the lawn

WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE A MAN'S BRAIN?
They don't have a penis to put it in

WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
They're intended for children, but men usually end up playing with them

WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LAY ON THEIR BACKS?
Their balls fall over their assholes causing vapor lock

WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
It's sex with someone they love

WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties

WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
You need a rough draft before the final copy

WHY IS MEN'S URINE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
So he can tell if he's coming or going

HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN?
Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet

Not a 1 liner so you will need an attention span of more than 7 seconds:

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." Mom gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

An Amish lady was driving her horse drawn buggy to town with her young son when she was stopped by a highway patrol officer.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer, "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," said the Amish lady, "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as we return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse's testicles. Some might consider this to be ‘cruelty to animals' so you'd best have your husband check this, too."

"Again I thank thee," said the Amish lady, "I shall have my husband check this also when I return home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector and her husband said that he would repair it immediately. "Also," said the Amish lady, "the policeman said that there was something wrong with our emergency brake."

Back to the quickies to keep the guys entertained:

41. What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with
them.

46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

And after an appropriate wait, more inappropriate banter ~

The Top Ten Times in History When Using the "F" Word was Appropriate

10. "What the fuck was that?"
-- The Mayor of Hiroshima
9. "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
-- General Custer
8. "Any fucking idiot could understand that."
-- Albert Einstein
7. "It does SO fucking look like her!"
-- Pablo Picasso
6. "How the fuck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagorus
5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?"
-- Michaelangelo
4. "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain."
-- Joan of Arc
3. "Scattered fucking showers...my ass!"
-- Noah
2. "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!"
-- JFK
1. "Aw, c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton

This is in really bad taste but I just love it in my own twisted way:
One day a boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks, "Can I help you son?" He replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night." She says, "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her . To which she says, "She'll be waiting for you up stairs." The boy says, "But shes got to have Herpes with active sores." The Madam replies, "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another The Madam says, "OK, she'll be ready for you in about 15 mins". So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. A half an hour later he comes down the stairs, with a big grin on his face and still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him, "Why did you come in here,dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes sores?". "Well, it's like this", he says, "When I get home today I fuck the baby-sitter and she'll get it. Then when my parents get home, my dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it. Later when dad gets home my mom and dad will make love and she'll get it. And at about noon, when dad has gone to work, the mailman will come round, fuck my mother and he'll get it. AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG!"

What are your favorite musicians or bands?:
Geeze, really?

What types of sexual activities turn you on?:
Giving Oral Sex

What factors are most important to you when looking for a sexual partner?:
Sexual experience

Ever fantasized about having sex with a celebrity? Who? What turns you on about them?:
Nope.

Have you ever had cybersex?:
No way. I only want skin on skin.

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