Today's topic? How did you NOT see that coming??  

secret_lade 48F  
14627 posts
1/14/2022 3:11 am
Today's topic? How did you NOT see that coming??


I in my office yesterday when one of the employees appeared in my door, crying, holding a doctors note.

"[Employee].... Are you ok?"

"I'm depressed. I have so much going on right now, I'm having to shell out so much , my<b> doctor </font></b>says I'm depressed...."

She went on to tell me she hadn't been able to sleep or eat and cried the whole time.

Had this not been the third employee to show up in my office and cry today, I might have actually felt a something....

Maybe not.

This particular employee is a 63 year old woman who had married a 23 year old mail order husband from Tibet.

What's causing her depression?

You guessed it!

As soon as he became an American Citizen he filed for divorce.

I sometimes wonder how the rest of the world can see something coming but the people in the moment cannot. This particular woman *looks* like a 63 year old woman with all the aches and pains that come along with being 63. This particular man is a 23 year old man with all the needs and urges that come along with being 23.

I'm just going to be honest here....

The woman with the coke bottle glasses who just had bunion surgery on both feet is probably not satisfying those needs and urges.

He used her for citizenship.

Boss #2 had been in her office and overheard part of the conversation and came over to help me out.

Thank God....

Cause my 'Give A Shit' had given out.

I sat and listened as she poured her heart out, and really did try to empathize....

But inwardly I kept thinking, you HAD to have seen this coming. There HAD to have been signs and indicators that he not fully committed to this relationship. You HAD to have known, but chose not to see it.

I think I would have felt differently if the situation had been different.

What if he had already been an American citizen, would it have made a difference?

I'm going to say yes.

If they had met organically and there no lure of a better life in America, I would have been more apt to believe there a heartfelt foundation to that relationship, age difference and all.

I'm definitely not one to judge age difference. My ex husband years older than I . We met organically though, and spent years together....

There is one aspect to this whole situation that does pull at my heartstrings.

And, that's the aspect that I think she genuinely did commit herself to him. She put her heart into the relationship only to have it crushed when she no longer needed. Having experienced heartbreak of my own, I can't help but feel compassion for that.

Such is life....

Happy Friday!

Sakwes77 67M  
153 posts
1/15/2022 3:10 pm

I grew up believing that no woman would ever want to be with me, the result of having been raised by a woman who believed sex is evil.

So asked the first woman that seemed interested in me to marry. She accepted. Big mistake.

We never know the battles people wage in their minds. We never see the hidden wounds.

As my kid brother once pointed out to me, there are many kinds of abuse. Some of the most damaging are not recognized as abuse or for the damage they do.

Condemn everything a child does and you stand a very good chance of raising a sociopath.
Or worse.
Deprive a child of love and human touch and you may wind up with a sex addict child or worse yet, a sexual abuser.

Sad part is, by the time the results become apparent no one knows what their childhood was like or makes the connection to early childhood trauma.

Your co-worker may be one of those survives of early abuse.


secret_lade 48F  
9227 posts
1/15/2022 6:33 am

    Quoting oldbstrd55:
    I saw problems with my first wife right away but chose to ignore them and put up with a lot for 4 yrs. Right now, there are a couple of women that are talking to me and I'm sure that 27 year old is really into me. LOL. Again, I see flags, but taking my time, because the 37 year old, seems to be more sincere, at least she hasn't flooded my phone with naked pics. Meeting organically can be difficult especially when you're an introvert like me, but there are those smooth talkers on both sides of the spectrum.
The last person I met organically and had a relationship with was my ex husband. Anyone that I've met and seen romantically since i've met online. Like you, when it comes to my personal life, I'm an introvert and tend to be pretty shy. It's kind of a challenge.


secret_lade 48F  
9227 posts
1/15/2022 6:29 am

    Quoting Paulxx001:
    Most resolutions are broken in the first fourteen to twenty eight days. Everyone gets a second chance today.
    It's Cristian Orthodox ☦ New Year's Day 🎉 🌹

    What does THIS have to do with that poor lady?
    Fuck all, but it was a sad story.
    Cheers 🍷 🍷 to twenty twenty-two... again. 🍌🎉❤️🍷🍷😎❗❗
It is, indeed, a sad story....


secret_lade 48F  
9227 posts
1/15/2022 6:28 am

    Quoting spunkycumfun:
    This happened to a friend of mone. As an older woman she met a young man in the Gambia on holiday there. She eventually married him; he moved here in the UK and promptly walked out on her.
    It's difficult to blame either; she was convinced he loved her and he saw her as a way out of poverty.
In situations like this, they are kind of using each other to fulfill a need. The hard part is when that need is love, but it's not reciprocated. You can't help but feel for that.


secret_lade 48F  
9227 posts
1/15/2022 6:24 am

    Quoting AnewWoman:
    I know someone who did the same thing. She is well educated and everything. Met some guy from Kenya online and couldn't stop talking about him and how they were going to marry, albeit they had yet to meet in person. She flies over there to meet and bring him home, haven't seen her happy ever since.
I could not imagine marrying someone I had never even met in person. It takes me a while to let someone in, and reveal my true self to them. On the flip side, I used to work with a woman who was a mail order bride and she had been married for over 10 years when I worked with her 10 years ago. They are still married and retired in Florida now. They were close in age, I can't help but think that made a difference.


secret_lade 48F  
9227 posts
1/15/2022 6:16 am

    Quoting EnigmaInitiative:
    It's easy to put on rose-colored glasses when they're wooing you. I've dismissed huge red flags because I was all caught up in the newness of it all.

    But, like you, I'd be super cynical of anyone that young from another country wooing me. Shit, I'd be cynical of anyone that age wooing me, as brains aren't usually fully developed until people are about 25.
I usually don't put those rose-colored glasses on until after the wooing is over and I'm invested. Once the real personality starts to emerge and they aren't on their best behavior anymore... I over look what I don't care for and remember the stuff I liked in the beginning.


secret_lade 48F  
9227 posts
1/15/2022 6:10 am

    Quoting positively4you:
    You cant fix stupid. Maybe she can get a refund. 😏
The sad part is... She is the one who really pushed him to become a citizen. Made sure he went to all of his appointments and took the classes downstate. She didn't see this coming at all.


secret_lade 48F  
9227 posts
1/15/2022 6:06 am

Yep!


secret_lade 48F  
9227 posts
1/15/2022 6:05 am

    Quoting 69ereatwetpussy:
    Some people just have to much faith in other.
    She had to very lone and he promised the world so he could get what he wanted . His day will come carma that for sure maybe covid or cancer. She may learn but who knows.
    People get taken every day in some way of another.
Karma is a bitch. I tend to think they kind of used each other, though.... She was a 63 year old, lonely woman, who found herself a 23 year old husband. I'm sure that felt pretty good when she was out and about with friends and family. it's very sad how hurt she feels now, though. I do feel for her in that respect.


secret_lade 48F  
9227 posts
1/15/2022 6:02 am

    Quoting pagancountrygirl:
    You have GOT to wonder what was going through her mind. We KNOW what was going through his! But it is still tragic that she fell for something like that. Loneliness can do that to a person though.
The rest of us saw this coming, right from the start.... She had tried to get him a job with our company but the guy didn't even speak English. How were they even communicating? She doesn't speak his language either. I'm certain the current depression is more for the fact that she will be lonely once again.


secret_lade 48F  
9227 posts
1/15/2022 5:52 am

    Quoting mc_justmc:
    They say love is blind, they didn't mention it was sometimes stupid, too.
I sometimes think I'm not capable of feeling that type of romantic love anymore.... Because you're right, I end up feeling stupid when it doesn't work out.


justskin1 70M  
13175 posts
1/15/2022 4:36 am

It can be hard enough to gauge the sincerity of a person when you are wooing face to face. On-line it can be impossible. I think a lot of people know this in their heads but loneliness can make what may have knowingly started as a fantasy seem like it is real.
I wonder how many people who got scammed on line are the type who have problems with meeting people in person. (That is before Covid. Now it is hard to meet people in person.)

If you see me in the real world, come say "Hi Justskin."

I always behave. Preferably not well.


exsquid46 62M
640 posts
1/14/2022 11:10 pm

Ms. secret_lade,

All I can say is Wow. I saw the very same thing back when I was in the service, except the guys had meet the ladies organically while overseas.

I have even had something close to this happen, but I saw the red flags. I mean what young, beautiful, unattached woman is going to fall for a man old enough to be her grandfather. Granted the attention is flattering, however many times it is just a come on.

Sorry your co worker got had, but the signs were there.


mc_justmc 62M  
6929 posts
1/14/2022 4:23 pm

They say love is blind, they didn't mention it was sometimes stupid, too.


secret_lade 48F  
9227 posts
1/14/2022 3:34 pm

    Quoting MrRareity:
    I think she was just probably very lonely and when he took an interest in her she fell hook line and sinker. I wonder if she has any children and if so did they try to talk her out of it? At least she wasn't cat fished and taken for a lot of money. It does make me wonder if she could report him and let the government look into it and possibly strip or deport him for fraud. I have no problems with an age difference but 38 years of an age difference would make me wonder.
She has no children, had never actually been married before him. I'm not certain how she found him, but I do know she invested a lot of time and money getting him here and helping him become a citizen. They were married for two years before he was even allowed to come to America. She has hired a lawyer and one of the things they're pursuing is removal of his citizenship status for not upholding the marriage contract. He left her 6 weeks after he received his status. I'm curious to see if they are successful in that.


pagancountrygirl 64F  
6466 posts
1/14/2022 3:28 pm

You have GOT to wonder what was going through her mind. We KNOW what was going through his! But it is still tragic that she fell for something like that. Loneliness can do that to a person though.

Pagan
Hmmmm....I know I left that wand around here somewhere!


secret_lade 48F  
9227 posts
1/14/2022 3:15 pm

    Quoting citizen4722:
    You have to feel for her, but gullible women are easy pray for monsters like that.
I believe she was lonely.... And I can totally feel for her in that respect. I feel loneliness myself, it's a tough road to travel.


citizen4722 64M  
74582 posts
1/14/2022 1:04 pm

You have to feel for her, but gullible women are easy pray for monsters like that.


MrRareity 62M  
4589 posts
1/14/2022 12:40 pm

I think she was just probably very lonely and when he took an interest in her she fell hook line and sinker. I wonder if she has any children and if so did they try to talk her out of it? At least she wasn't cat fished and taken for a lot of money. It does make me wonder if she could report him and let the government look into it and possibly strip or deport him for fraud. I have no problems with an age difference but 38 years of an age difference would make me wonder.

We have two lives, and the second begins when we realise we have only one - Confucious


69ereatwetpussy 59M  
6784 posts
1/14/2022 11:46 am

Some people just have to much faith in other.
She had to very lone and he promised the world so he could get what he wanted . His day will come carma that for sure maybe covid or cancer. She may learn but who knows.
People get taken every day in some way of another.


boobwhisperer69 59M  
8324 posts
1/14/2022 10:05 am

Here's your sign!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


positively4you 72F  
4605 posts
1/14/2022 8:20 am

You cant fix stupid. Maybe she can get a refund. 😏


EnigmaInitiative 53F  
6054 posts
1/14/2022 7:49 am

It's easy to put on rose-colored glasses when they're wooing you. I've dismissed huge red flags because I was all caught up in the newness of it all.

But, like you, I'd be super cynical of anyone that young from another country wooing me. Shit, I'd be cynical of anyone that age wooing me, as brains aren't usually fully developed until people are about 25.

This week's HNW: Pink/Hearts (Or Chocolate) is available on the other side.


AnewWoman 63F  
273 posts
1/14/2022 6:23 am

I know someone who did the same thing. She is well educated and everything. Met some guy from Kenya online and couldn't stop talking about him and how they were going to marry, albeit they had yet to meet in person. She flies over there to meet and bring him home, haven't seen her happy ever since.


spunkycumfun 61M/67F  
41166 posts
1/14/2022 6:11 am

This happened to a friend of mone. As an older woman she met a young man in the Gambia on holiday there. She eventually married him; he moved here in the UK and promptly walked out on her.
It's difficult to blame either; she was convinced he loved her and he saw her as a way out of poverty.


Paulxx001 65M  
22616 posts
1/14/2022 5:35 am

Most resolutions are broken in the first fourteen to twenty eight days. Everyone gets a second chance today.
It's Cristian Orthodox ☦ New Year's Day 🎉 🌹

What does THIS have to do with that poor lady?
Fuck all, but it was a sad story.
Cheers 🍷 🍷 to twenty twenty-two... again. 🍌🎉❤️🍷🍷😎❗❗


oldbstrd55 65M  
3292 posts
1/14/2022 5:33 am

I saw problems with my first wife right away but chose to ignore them and put up with a lot for 4 yrs. Right now, there are a couple of women that are talking to me and I'm sure that 27 year old is really into me. LOL. Again, I see flags, but taking my time, because the 37 year old, seems to be more sincere, at least she hasn't flooded my phone with naked pics. Meeting organically can be difficult especially when you're an introvert like me, but there are those smooth talkers on both sides of the spectrum.


secret_lade 48F  
9227 posts
1/14/2022 3:11 am

I was in my office yesterday when one of the employees appeared in my door, crying, holding a doctors not.

"[Employee].... Are you ok?"

"I'm depressed. I have so much going on right now, I'm having to shell out so much money, my doctor says I'm depressed...."

She went on to tell me she hadn't been able to sleep or eat and cried the whole time.

Had this not been the third employee to show up in my office and cry today, I might have actually felt a little something....

Maybe not.

This particular employee is a 63 year old woman who had married a 23 year old mail order husband from Tibet.

What's causing her depression?

You guessed it!

As soon as he became an American Citizen he filed for divorce.

I sometimes wonder how the rest of the world can see something coming but the people in the moment cannot. This particular woman *looks* like a 63 year old woman with all the aches and pains that come along with being 63. This particular man is a 23 year old man with all the needs and urges that come along with being 23.

I'm just going to be honest here....

The woman with the coke bottle glasses who just had bunion surgery on both feet is probably not satisfying those needs and urges.

He used her for citizenship.

Boss #2 had been in her office and overheard part of the conversation and came over to help me out.

Thank God....

Cause my 'Give A Shit' had given out.

I sat and listened as she poured her heart out, and really did try to empathize....

But inwardly I kept thinking, you HAD to have seen this coming. There HAD to have been signs and indicators that he was not fully committed to this relationship. You HAD to have known, but chose not to see it.

I think I would have felt differently if the situation had been different.

What if he had already been an American citizen, would it have made a difference?

I'm going to say yes.

If they had met organically and there was no lure of a better life in America, I would have been more apt to believe there was a heartfelt foundation to that relationship, age difference and all.

I'm definitely not one to judge age difference. My ex husband was 17 years older than I was. We met organically though, and spent 17 years together....

There is one aspect to this whole situation that does pull at my heartstrings.

And, that's the aspect that I think she genuinely did commit herself to him. She put her heart into the relationship only to have it crushed when she was no longer needed. Having experienced heartbreak of my own, I can't help but feel compassion for that.

Such is life....

Happy Friday!


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