Ramblings of the depraved.....
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No toilet paper, no paper towel, no will to live....
Posted:Oct 20, 2019 4:36 pm
Last Updated:Oct 22, 2019 2:44 pm

I had a rough morning Saturday. Not only did I not sleep well, but I pretty much wanted to just crawl into bed and cry all day.

I actually did for a little while.....

But when I found myself using paper towels for toilet paper I decided I'd better get my act together and get some fucking toilet paper.

So, I took a shower. And then I did my hair. Before I knew it I was dressed and in my car, marveling at the fall colors.

Summer may be my favorite season, but fall is definitely the most beautiful.

The next thing I knew I was driving through Petoskey on my way to the Tunnel of Trees to check things out.

A little premature, I'm afraid, as those trees were still predominately green, but everywhere else there was peak color.

It didn't even bother me that I was flying solo.

Sometimes I think.... I can handle this thing called being single. It's a journey of self discovery!

Sometimes I think.... Wow, I really wish I had someone here to experience this with me.

Most of the time I'm somewhere in the middle... I like the fact that I can hop in my car and just take off anytime I want, but it sure would be nice to have a little company once in a while.

Perhaps that company would have reminded me to pick up toilet paper.

Cause, you guessed it. I may have initially left with the sole intent to purchase toilet paper, I never actually did purchase the toilet paper.
Oh coffee.....
Posted:Oct 19, 2019 5:45 am
Last Updated:Oct 28, 2019 3:30 am

You elixir of the Gods.

I did not sleep well last night, spent most of it awake, tossing and turning. Finally got up at 5:30 and said Fuck It, might as well start my day.

Two loads of laundry done and the kitchen cleaned before 8am this morning.

I can think of a few other things I'd rather have been doing.....

Alas, that wasn't the case.

Back to coffee, though.....

I read an article about the therapeutic abilities of coffee yesterday.

Have to say, I was totally surprised!

I didn't start out as a coffee drinker, it's only been the past couple of years that I've really even given it a chance.

But, a convert I am, none-the-less.

So, I was reading the article and found out it can help to prevent heart disease, Parkinson's disease, type 2 diabetes, liver disease, decreases the effect of depression......

How did I not know this sooner?

For someone spends the majority of her free time reading and researching stuff, I completely missed the boat on this one.

On an absolutely unrelated side note: Just saw a trailer for the movie Terminator Dark Fate.... And Linda Hamilton is nearly unrecognizable. The woman has NOT aged well.
And..... Cut!
Posted:Oct 17, 2019 11:52 pm
Last Updated:Oct 20, 2019 10:30 pm

I'd like cut October th right of history .

What a fucking shitty day.....

day started with an applicant calling the moment I unlocked office door and stepped through. I could hear irritation in her voice and she was pissy that I wasn't just sitting at desk, edge of the seat, anxiously awaiting her return call back .


I explained her I had just arrived and needed turn on computer, log in, and pull her app.

"Well, I've been trying you, and I never get through."

Great! Fantastic!! Are you trying while I'm AT WORK? You're of those people think the world revolves around you.

"I'm a busy , I have a lot of responsibility and I'm not always at desk. You have now, however. Can I get your please?"

"It's Kennedy."

Kennedy what?? Oh.... Even better. A millennial that needs hand hold them through the entire process.

"Can I get your last Kennedy? I've got about 30 applications filter through, I'll need narrow it down a hair."

Brief silence. I can hear her gears spinning as she realizes she is up against other applicants.

"Sure, it's Kennedy ********. I applied for....."

Suddenly Kennedy is super friendly and very talkative. .... Tell you what, Kennedy, I've already mentally noted a few things cover during your interview, we'll see how that attitude checks .

Sad, but true, this was probably the highlight of whole day as it just continued go downhill from there.

I felt a little bad for boss as he continued check in on throughout the day see how I was doing. Pulse checks.... as he called them. Made chuckle a little..... I'm a smart , and I keep the place together behind the scenes, so I'm certain he was just trying to make sure I didn't just say Fuck It and start looking for a new job.
Let's play a little game!
Posted:Oct 15, 2019 3:25 pm
Last Updated:Oct 17, 2019 11:20 pm

We'll call it....

What did Secret_Lade's apartment smell like when she got home from work?

Was it cigarette smoke from her chain-smoking new neighbors? Was it Fresh Cut Lilacs from the wallflower bulb she has plugged in in her hallway? Was it the smell of putrid garbage emanating from the apartment down the hall?

If only it were the wallflower bulb.....

If you guessed ASS you win the prize!

I 0% believe the smell is coming from downstairs, I can only imagine the state of that apartment. Between the chain smoking and the indoor , I can't even begin to fathom what the air quality is down there.

And, yes, I have called and left a message with the apartment manager.

a loss with the state of the world these days. How do people live like this, day after day? I know it was kind of a rough day for , I struggled a little with depression most of the , but come on....

Just once I would love to be able to come home to the smell of fresh cut lilacs, be able to sleep all night without the booming voice of my downstairs neighbor right beneath me while he talks on the phone, and have the ability to just sit and relax and not replay every awkward thing I've ever done in my whole life.

Perhaps the thunderstorm that is brewing outside can ease my tensions. I have always loved a good storm.....
Some sights just can't be unseen.
Posted:Oct 14, 2019 5:03 pm
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2019 2:59 pm

I saw my downstairs neighbor, tonight, in an ill-fitting tank top and fuzzy pajama pants when I got home from work.

Every part of me wanted to pluck my eyes.....

There is something to be said about a woman who can tuck her nipples into the waistband of her shamrock pajama pants. Something like, please don't wear this is public.

The hood was open on her truck and she was kind of bent over it, looking in, lit cigarette dangling from her lips. A random section of ash had fallen from her cigarette and was sitting on the exposed skin of her chest.

I tried to be nice and say Hi as I walked past her into the building....

Instead my antisocial, introvert side reared it's ugly head, and I breezed past her looking in the opposite direction, completely avoiding contact of any kind.

Sometimes having anxiety issues is a blessing in disguise.
Putting into words....
Posted:Oct 13, 2019 9:02 am
Last Updated:Oct 16, 2019 8:17 pm

Some topics are a lot harder to open up to then you realize.

For me, this is one of them.

I have a friend.... I don't consider him a boyfriend. I've known him for a long time, and remained faithful to him for a long time, but I know in my heart the relationship is not a good one.

He is kind, and fun, and I enjoy spending time with him.....

But he is also using me. For as long as I've known him he has had no reliable source of income, instead working temporarily for family and friends to just eek . It has come to the point where everywhere we go and everything we do is funded me.

A single mom who works a stressful job for an anal retentive boss.

Not only am I putting a roof over my head, food on my table, taking care of my 's needs, but I'm also supposed to support an adult man who choses not to be gainfully employed??

I've distanced myself from him.

He commented to me one day something I'd heard him say about his own father many times. He would often say "He's got more than enough, he can it" when he would complain that his dad didn't him enough for work he had done for him. Work that most sons do for their parents out of the kindness of their hearts...

When I heard him say to me "You can it, you've got more than enough" after I had rejected a night out to save , I knew the relationship had run it's course.

We don't live together. He has no intentions of marrying me.

What is there for me in this relationship?

I knew it was over when my cousin died a few weeks ago. The only family member in Michigan, I had to handle it all until his flew in from Texas. The moment I chose to handle it alone instead of calling my friend for support, I knew it was done. I knew that if I called, he would be right there, but he would be penniless as well. Not only would I be putting myself up in a hotel in GR, and for my food and essentials, I would have to for him as well.

I refuse to support a grown man any longer.....
The Chili Cook Off Scandal
Posted:Oct 11, 2019 3:35 pm
Last Updated:Oct 12, 2019 8:57 am

We had a chili cook off contest at work today.

How could you possibly go wrong with a food contest?!?

I'll tell you how.....

Leave the ballot bucket unattended.

I found it surprising that more people hadn't voted for a favorite..... The breakroom was non-stop foot traffic.

Only, there were very few votes!

It became clear to me, however, when I began sorting out the votes and noticed my OWN vote was not there. I had sampled each and every entry, scrutinizing taste and texture, finally coming to a decision and casting a vote.

A vote that was no longer in the bucket.


Somehow, someone managed to remove God knows how many votes from the bucket.

Which led to the dried out, overcooked, tomato paste chili getting the most votes and a CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP coming in 3rd place.

I'm done with this conversation....
Posted:Oct 9, 2019 11:16 pm
Last Updated:Oct 19, 2019 1:03 pm

A co-worker and I got into a heated conversation today, one in which I ended with, "I'm done with this conversation" and hand motioned him out of my office.

I dismissed him like he wasn't worth the effort of spoken word.

Now I'm feeling terrible.

My anxiety has kicked in and I've replayed the conversation over and over again, knowing I could have handled everything a million different ways better....

Instead I chose be angry and handle it like a bitch.

Add that to weird personality quirks and social anxiety and I can fully understand why I'm still single.

On a personal level, I'm just a fucking mess.
It's 1:23 am.....
Posted:Oct 8, 2019 10:38 pm
Last Updated:Oct 9, 2019 3:01 pm

Of course I'm wide awake.

I miss the days when I could actually fall asleep and stay asleep all night. No laying awake for hours staring the ceiling, staring the clock, replaying every conversation I've ever had until I remember a bad memory in 1998 and focus on it until I lose my mind.....

I hate that this has become a regular nightly routine.

My new, much louder, downstairs neighbors don't really help the problem. They are the sleep all day, stay up all night variety.

Absolutely fantastic when you suffer from sleep issues.

But, I digress, and here I am......

Thinking to myself, why then HELL can't my downstairs neighbor just shut the fuck up and why isn't there any good tv programming on in the middle of the night.
Thoughts for the day....
Posted:Oct 5, 2019 10:33 am
Last Updated:Oct 5, 2019 10:57 am

1. Life is tough sometimes. I am even tougher.

2. Don't hide from the man who broke your heart. If you see him, show him what he missed out on.

3. Sherbert.... Just plain gross.

4. The unfriendly people are usually the ones who need friendship most.

5. When you cook a whole chicken, there are weird things on the inside that must come out. Just learned that one the hard way..... Yikes!
I'm here for you..... Psych!
Posted:Oct 4, 2019 12:01 am
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2022 2:23 am

We all have that person in our life....

That one friend, boyfriend, family member who devotedly declares, "if you ever need anything, ANYTHING, call me!"

Then you do.

You're stressed out because you've been unable to be in two places at one time and your anxiety is out of control because you can't control the situation and you reach out for help.

Only, there is no help.

There is only that empty declaration.....

"Call me if you need anything."

I'm so sorry, I wish I could help! I'm doing anything and everything tomorrow and it's preventing me from being of any real assistance. If only you could push it off til Monday! I could totally be useful then, it's 4 days away! Damn! It sucks... Oh, btw, do you want to make p!and for this weekend??

Um.... NO
I find myself blogging again.....
Posted:Oct 1, 2019 10:37 pm
Last Updated:Oct 12, 2019 11:10 am

I feel as though I'm at some sort of crossroad.

Part of me is yearning for a fresh start somewhere where I don't know a soul.... Somewhere where I can start over from scratch and hopefully do things right, this time around.

Part of me is deeply entrenched in the security of "the familiar". The problem with the familiar is, I've become increasingly unhappy with it.

Depression has kind of had its grip on me for a few weeks, I'm hoping that maybe by returning to the blog I can shake it.... Writing has always been a tool of healing for me.

Perhaps it can help me come to terms with what is really happening.
The Holidays are over....
Posted:Jan 5, 2017 6:29 pm
Last Updated:Jan 6, 2017 1:48 pm

I can FINALLY relax!!

The best part? I have 6 whole days off in a row.... I haven't had that much time off in nearly 2 years.

It's a mini vay-cay!!!!

Not going anywhere, not doing anything, this chic is going to kick back and watch Netflix from the comforts of her fuzzy jammies and heated bed.

Does it get any better than this??

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