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Ramblings of the depraved.....
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Posted:Aug 17, 2021 4:13 pm
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2021 3:54 am

Is it just me? Or, does this word sound a little....


I was checking out the house plants when I heard a male voice ask from behind me....

"Are you looking for anything in particular?"

"Yes, I kind of need something hearty, easily taken care of. I was thinking..... A succulent?"

I turned just in time to see my sales guy turn five shades of red.

Chuckling a little, I said it again.


"Ok, now you're just being mean."

I half heartedly apologized but couldn't contain my laughter. This was BY FAR the funniest thing I'd seen all day.

Happy Tuesday!
Love is in the air....
Posted:Aug 16, 2021 5:32 pm
Last Updated:Aug 19, 2021 3:29 pm

For everyone but me.

In the past two weeks I've had two friends get married, three friends announce their undying love to new boyfriends, and one friend announce her engagement.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little bit jealous.


Meanwhile I'm sitting at home with the Tilly Cat being brutalized by the Spawn.

My excitement today??

Testing out my new Lume deodorant to see if it actually works.

After a long day of running around the store and sweating my ass off the 'Pit Test' revealed....

That baby is NOT your !

Oh, wait.... That's Maury Povich's line...

The 'Pit Test' revealed the Lume stuff actually works.

How could it not with such ingenious marketing though?!?

"With a gentle kiss and a wave goodbye, we sent your order on its way. Your Lume is officially en route to your loving arms! No need to wait outside by the mailbox. You can see your order status below."

Goodbye white smears on dark clothing and the smell of armpit mixed with powder....

Happy Monday!
I get it!
Posted:Aug 14, 2021 4:49 pm
Last Updated:Aug 16, 2021 4:43 pm

I'm a woman, you're a woman... We have the parts.

It certainly doesn't mean I want see your parts!

The leaders and employees where I work wear a uniform.

Ill fitting....


A complete blight society...

But they wear them, nonetheless, as it's required.

"I'm going need a different size shirt, I think. This one is tight in the shoulders."

One of the new leaders that started last week has an odd body shape and I've been trying like hell find her a uniform shirt / size that will work with her.

"That was the men's XL, right? Let's try the women's 2x, it might be looser in the shoulders because they're cut bigger in the chest."

I handed her the shirts and asked if she'd like try them in the restroom.

"Nah, I'm good. I always have a shirt underneath."

Um.... yah. By shirt she was referring an extremely small spaghetti strap tank top with one shoulder hanging by a thread.

", woah.... Ok, guess you're trying here."

"We've got the parts. I'm ok with it."

And.... I prefer not see yours, thank you! So, no... I'm not ok with it.

", yikes. That one fits worse than the men's shirt."

"It's these." Half Naked Leader cupped her breasts and rolled her eyes. "I need start wearing the right bra. I've just always worn a sports bra and it just isn't going work with these shirts."

And I'm officially uncomfortable!

"It does help have the right under-gear."

Good God, what am I supposed say that? Your sports bra gives you a uni-boob and the reason why you can't find a button down shirt to fit you is because they're hanging down to your waist??

It was finally decided that the men's 2x shirt was the best fit for her, there was just going to be a lot to tuck in.....

And, I hope to God this is the last time I ever have to do this again!
On today's episode of "The Spawn Chronicles"
Posted:Aug 12, 2021 4:27 pm
Last Updated:Aug 16, 2021 4:44 pm

Secret_lade and the Spawn are in the drive-thru line at McDonalds.

"What do you want?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?? You're the one who cried because you wanted to go to McDonald's."

"I didn't think it would work. You're normally much meaner."

"Really?!? That's what you tell your mother who went out of her way to take you to a fast food place when she said she was cutting fast food out of her life??"

"Consider this a test of your willpower. I think you'll pass."

Saved by the drive-thru speaker! After what seemed like an hour, she finally made up her mind and we headed up to the window to pay.

"I hate it when they do that."

"When they do what? What are you talking about?"

In usual McDonald's drive-thru fashion, I started inching my way forward from the payment window to the pick-up window.

"Guys. You're clueless. That guy was low-key flirting with you."

Rolling her eyes in the back seat, visibly disgusted.

"Him? He was like 5 years old. I don't think so."

"Really Mom?? 'Have a beautiful day', 'You guys look like you're having fun'.... And just because someone is younger than you are it doesn't make them 5."

Scoffing in the back seat, her lip was curled in disgust.

"Awww.... Look at that. He could be your new Dad!!"

She did not find me very humorous.

I thought I was hilarious.

Happy Thursday!
A Secretary of State story...
Posted:Aug 11, 2021 2:05 am
Last Updated:Aug 14, 2021 4:16 pm

I think every state probably calls it something different, but here in Michigan, we call our Department of Motor Vehicles the Secretary of State.

A pain in the ass regardless of any name it goes by....

I was at work last week when I received a random phone call from a woman who stated she bought my car.

"Um, I don't think so, my car is sitting out in the parking lot."

"Yes, I did. It was for sale on the side of the road."

"You have me confused with someone else, I'm sorry."

She then proceeded to tell me the story of how she came into possession of my old car.

Apparently the guy who had purchased my old car had neglected to put the car into his name the entire time he had it.

Four years he's had that car!

"I haven't owned this car in several years now. I don't understand why you're calling me now."

"I just need you to get a title release for it so I can put it in my name. We are in desperate need of a car, our car broke down....." and the entire white trash story unfolded, including the part where her mascara wand had broken that morning.

"Ok, this car has been paid off for 10 years now. I'll call and have them fax it to Secretary of State."

Simple enough, you would think....

Turns out, I'd financed my car when I bought it brand new in 2007 from GMAC Financing, which had gone through several name changes, finally becoming Ally Financing. Ally financial had no record of my car because it had been so long since it was paid off that it had fallen out of the system. I did not have the title or any of the VIN info that they needed to look it up because I HAD NOT OWNED THE CAR IN YEARS.

Yah, it was *that* kind of a pain in the ass. All the new owner had to do was call them up and get the release herself.

Fast forward to yesterday when my cell phone starts blowing up.

You'll never guess who it was!!

Ok, so... yes, it was in fact White Trash Car Woman.

She is now at the Secretary of State and needs my signature on something.

"Do you know how hard you are to get ahold of?!?"

She sounds irritated.

"Yes, I do know how hard I am to get in touch with while I'm at work. I'm at work."

"Well, I need you to sign something."

"You're going to have to explain a little better than that."

"The lady at Secretary of State says you need to sign this form in order for me to get this car transferred out of your name. I'm here right now."

Are you fucking KIDDING me?!?

She put the woman who had been helping her on the phone and I had apparently signed the wrong line on the title when I originally handed it over to my .

Yep, that's right. In the beginning, I had given this car to my to drive around in when he turned 16. He never actually drove the car because he didn't feel it was 'manly' enough so he sold it to a guy who knew his dad.

And, there in lies the problem!

NEVER sell shit to 'friends'! Especially if they are friends of ex's!!

At 11:30 am I told Boss #2 I had to leave to go to the Secretary of State to sign a paper. It would be 5 minutes..... It was 12:40 pm when I returned back to work.

I'd missed one conference call and my lunch.

It took me 30 seconds to sign my name on a line, one hour and 9 minutes to get called back up to the desk, and zero minutes to know I never wanted to go through this bullshit again.

Happy Wednesday!
Scary Movies
Posted:Aug 9, 2021 3:35 am
Last Updated:Aug 11, 2021 8:37 pm
How do you know when it's time to say 'when'?

You attempt to take a cute, cuddly photo of your Tilly Cat in her new scratchy tree and end up with this....

I'm still not entirely certain I won't be evaporated by those laser death eyes.....

Happy Monday!
This Week in Review
Posted:Aug 8, 2021 12:25 pm
Last Updated:Aug 12, 2021 2:40 am
1. Cleaned the Spawn's bedroom.

Holy hell, that's six hours of misery I never want to experience again. That bedroom could have been used as a set prop for the movie 'Hostel'.

Thing's I discovered during that journey:

* An orange snow sled hidden under the bed. Really?!? When did we get a snow sled?

* The closet door had been off the track for so long she literally didn't remember a time when it actually worked. Why did she not tell me about it??

* A little pile of sunflower seeds in the far corner of the bedroom. Wouldn't normally be so bad, except, none of us actually eat sunflower seeds.

* The bedroom carpet beneath all that junk. I had to empty the vacuum canister three times while we uncovered the floor, section by section, but it eventually made it's appearance.

* Together, the Spawn and I can accomplish anything!

2. Sewer gnats are a real thing.

I'm still grossed out by the whole ordeal, but thanks to all the suggestions I received, I've got the situation nearly taken care of.

3. Apartment Complex Stud has officially moved out.

I know, I know! This time I know for certain. He knocked on my door and said "Hey, I'm moving out today."

I wonder who will wind up being the next occupants in the apartment across the hall....

4. Someone needs to invent an adult bib.

It's a little embarrassing eating my lunch with a napkin tucked into the neck of my shirt.... But I've decided I'm just going to have to do it!

Every single day last week I wound up dropping food onto my chest while I was eating lunch.

* Monday - salad dressing coated tomato

* Tuesday - gravy dribble from a Healthy Choice tv dinner

* Wednesday - broccoli floret from yet another Healthy Choice tv dinner

* Thursday - yogurt from a blueberry that clung to the bottom of my spoon until I got it nearly to my lips. I swear to God there's a fucking bull's-eye on my chest!

* Friday - chicken from my grilled caesar chicken salad wrap

I've taken to eating my lunch with a Tide pen and hand wipes.


And there you have it.... Another Sunday in the books.

Let's just hope that next week is just as exciting.

Happy Sunday!
What are all the cool girls doing on a slightly rainy and overcast Saturday?
Posted:Aug 7, 2021 3:21 pm
Last Updated:Aug 9, 2021 4:04 am

They're doing laundry and watching Freddy Kruger terrorize Elm Street.... in the first 4 movies of the Elm Street franchise!

Yah, I'm a little surprised I've invested that much time into it, too!

I was on my last load of laundry when I pulled one of Boot Camp Boy's t-shirts out of the washer, it must have been buried in my hamper unbeknownst to me.

Just when you think you're doing ok.... You suddenly realize, nope! You're not.

In my minds eye I could see him wearing that stupid shirt and the realization that I will never again see my boy as he once was reduced me to tears.

Nobody every talks about how hard it is to let your go....
It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon, but dammit! I see stars!!
Posted:Aug 6, 2021 4:35 pm
Last Updated:Aug 7, 2021 11:15 pm

Finger placement.... It's key!!

All week I've been trying to catch up on my filing. Two huge piles of shit to be imaged and to be filed had sat on my desk, taunting me like a rotten .

I'd had enough and decided today was THE day!

So I set to work putting together all the new employee files with the required documents and started to file them in the cabinet one by one.

I was on number five when the earth stood still and my life changed forever.

My left hand was placed flat against the filing cabinet while my right hand slid out the drawer. Discovering I had grabbed the wrong drawer, I needed the one beneath it, I slammed the drawer I'd been pulling open shut.....

Right onto my middle finger on my left hand.

The pain was instant as I stared in horror at my finger, still inside the the drawer, a big red spot already forming under my nail bed.

Stumbling a little and attempting to take a step back, I did indeed see stars. The moment I opened that drawer back up the tears sprung to my eyes and I barely contained a primitive howl.

That hurt like a bitch!

All I can say is, thank God it's Friday.... I don't think I could make it through another workday this week.

Happy Friday!
Conversations with Nose Hairs
Posted:Aug 5, 2021 6:17 pm
Last Updated:Aug 9, 2021 8:15 pm

I can honestly say.... They aren't always the most professional.

Not sure how we'd gotten onto the topic of cremation, but I'd revealed to him that I had looked inside the box that contained my mother's ashes after I'd retrieved them from my father's apartment when he died.

"Why would you do that?"

"I don't know, I'm just nosey like that. I wanted to see what they looked like. They're all contained in a sealed bag, it's not like they're all loose in there."

"What if someone put googly eyes in there, like it was looking up at you?"

"What person in their right mind is going to put googly eyes on someone's cremated ashes?"


I laughed pretty hard.... Mostly because I now totally wanted whoever it is that ends up cremating me one day to put some fricking googly eyes on my remains, inside the box, so anyone who dares to be curious gets a nice nice little surprise looking up at them when they open that box!

"It's official, that's going in my will!"

Everyone loves a googly eyed surprise!

Happy Thursday!
It's a fruit fly horror story.
Posted:Aug 4, 2021 6:39 pm
Last Updated:Aug 6, 2021 3:55 am

I got home from work today to discover my kitchen was overrun by fruit flies.

"What the hell is happening here?"

I set my purse down on the counter and the kitchen disappeared in a cloud of black.

Well.... Maybe not quite that bad....

But, it was bad enough that I was looking around to see where the source of my infestation was coming from.

Any fruit sitting anywhere??

Nope.... Check!

Anything in the garbage that would draw a fruit fly??

Nope.... In fact, the flies weren't even in the garbage. Check!

Unwashed dishes creating a breeding ground??

One dried up plate, one dried up fork, a coffee cup with a swallow of coffee and 15 dead fruit flies floating in it, but no breeding ground. Check!

It was during my inspection of the sink that I did discover, though, the fruit fly infestation is likely originating from my sink drain!

Uh... Yah.... totally disgusting.

I know what that means when you have a septic tank and well water. That means you have to get your septic pumped.

But, what does that mean when you have city water and septic???

I ran a ton of water down the drain then put the stopper in the sink but I'm not sure what to do about my swarm.

What do you do with a swarm??

Name it and start charging rent?

Wait until their dead carcasses fall from the air and sweep them into the trash?

Do they crawl into cracks and crevices and disappear from sight??

These are questions that are haunting me right now.

For the moment, I'm avoiding my kitchen, naming my new room mate Brock, and trying to decide how much rent to charge before their lifeless bodies start littering my counter.

Happy Wednesday!
The Douche Canoe strikes again!
Posted:Aug 2, 2021 5:54 pm
Last Updated:Aug 3, 2021 6:09 pm

Apparently the fact that I haven't changed my profile is getting under Kingkai's skin....

Today's message states simply

Sooner than later please
8/2/2021 7:16 am

Who is he to decide what I do and do not state in my profile? When did this asshole become the foremost authority in human sexuality?

I'm taking a break from meeting therefore I MUST be a lesbian.

He's acting like a dick, I guess that makes him a dildo....
Boot Camp Boy Update
Posted:Aug 2, 2021 3:54 am
Last Updated:Aug 7, 2021 3:30 pm

Seven weeks down, five to go....

I've been keeping my eye on the rental situation near Parris Island, the Spawn and I will need several days simply for the fact that we are driving there and driving back. When there are a thousand other parents and family members that will also be doing the same thing, I didn't want to be left without lodging.

I noticed on Friday that everything is starting to be scooped up....

So, I scooped up our lodging as well!

It's official folks, the Spawn and I are taking a road trip!

I'm hearing word that it's possible I may get to take Boot Camp Boy home with me for his 10 day leave and I'm super excited. Up until now the COVID restrictions in place had the new marines leaving directly after boot camp to their specialized training school....

But I'm seeing in some of the recruit parent threads that parents have been notified they get to take their marines.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Either way, whether I get to take him or not, this Momma Raptor couldn't be any prouder of her .

Happy Monday!

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