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What Have I Become???
Posted:Feb 28, 2018 5:47 pm
Last Updated:Mar 1, 2018 7:06 am

Recently, I haven't been feeling myself and I'm not sure what's happening. Putting it into words has been a challenge, so I'll share two events that illustrate why I'm so out of sorts.

First, I was in Richmond last week, to deal with a few things and one of those found me in circuit court. It was not a criminal matter and I wasn't the defendant. Since there are apparently not many civil cases at any one time, mine got lumped in with what I discovered was drug court. I'd briefly researched the judge I'd be in front of and discovered he ran his own program for substance abusers. My case was placed behind the various drug cases, which afforded me the opportunity to observe this judge and his interaction with those in front of him.

To say I was astonished by his behavior would be an understatement. He treated each defendant with kindness and respect. It was clear he had read every bit of the case files in front of him. When rendering his decision, this man showed more concern for a positive outcome for these people than he did about 'carrying out justice'. When considering those who've broken the law, my position has always been 'try 'em and fry 'em' but something about the humanity I saw demonstrated in that courtroom struck home with me. I walked out of that courthouse thinking the world needs more of what I'd just witnessed.

The second event occurred just yesterday, when a colleague and I were discussing an execution gone wrong in I think Arkansas, not that it matters. Again, my position has always been to take the bastards out and shoot 'em. But yesterday's conversation made me think about the topic in a different way. Rather than focus on the condemned, what about those who physically carry out the sentence? The guy who administers the lethal injection, or pulls the switch on 'Old Sparky'? What a terrible burden to carry around; I just took the life of another human. No one escapes the trauma associated with such an act. In the past, PA used firing squads to execute prisoners. In order to prevent such trauma, all but one of the guards had blanks loaded in his gun, and the weapons weren't handed out until right before the event. Let me tell you, when you're firing blanks, it's a completely different feeling than when discharging live ammo, so there's no way the man who fired the rounds that killed the prisoner didn't know he was that guy. And let's be honest with ourselves, the death penalty isn't a deterrent in the least.

At the end of the brief conversation, I'd reached the conclusion that the death penalty should be removed as punishment. Not because some nasty scumbags don't deserve a slow, painful death, but to preserve the humanity of those tasked with carrying out the order.

So, what's happening to me? Has my brain been scrambled somehow? Oh shit!

I'm becoming a LIBERAL!!!
More - DPOW
Posted:Dec 28, 2017 5:47 pm
Last Updated:Dec 28, 2017 7:49 pm

For those who may have wondered whether the previous DPOW was atypical, it wasn't. Here are more I documented in my other blog.

I admit to slacking quite a on the dating profile of the week. The time I've been devoting to my blog has mostly been spent on entries with real content and the DPOW has been left behind.

In order to make it up to my readers a bit, there are profiles of the week, this time. It made sense because they both fall into the same category. See if you can recognize the theme.

Profile 1 is courtesy of Plenty of Fish user Sincerenow2118.

"Seeking a male. Must be at least close to feet tall or better. Please no out of state responses. If you are dating some don't message me please. Must have your own place and vehicle. Must know How to treat a lady. No booty s here."

Profile 2 comes from sannyjo3231, also on POF.

"Made a few changes on my profile..

1st .. not your baby.. you have to earn that

2nd.. looking for fun means just that.. and for those of you that assume it means I want to **** your brains out..GET OVER YOURSELVES.

3rd.. I'm gonna leave this open for now because I have a feeling I'm gonna need to update again."

And yes, those are their entire profiles. Of course, the thing they have in common is bitching about who's been messaging them and sharing absolutely nothing about themselves.

Way to draw a man in with all of your fantastic qualities, ladies. I'm certain I speak for most of the English speaking world when I say I'm baffled why you're single.

Happy Dating, readers!
Semi Annual Dating Profile Of The Week
Posted:Dec 28, 2017 5:15 pm
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2017 12:46 pm

Yes, what was once a weekly endeavor declined to monthly frequency, then quarterly, and now semiannual. The truth is garbage profiles all run together after reading the same crap for the 101st time, they lose impact. However, once in a while, a profile jumps out as truly dreadful, such as the below.

As usual, I've copied the entire profile, so readers can completely soak in the lunacy. While longer than most of my previous examples, this is that does keep on giving. It comes from Emptynester, a 44 year old woman from Bucyrus, KS. She's a bubbly, blond, type, who clearly spends her free time fearing carbs. Empty not only seeks some who likely doesn't exist, but takes 'here's what I don't want' to a new level of greatness.

I'm currently living in Columbia, Mo. My is now a junior in college, so I able (and ready) to relocate if I met the right person.

I've had long-term relationships with very great men. I'm out of my last relationship, and I'm ready to find another great partner.

I will openly admit that I don't enjoy this experience too much, so in an attempt to save time/energy, please understand that I am at a point in my life that I would prefer to not deal with the demands of young . Also, physical fitness is a VERY important part of my life and consumes a great deal of my time; I am also an active yogi and practice daily meditation...these are my passions. It is an ABSOLUTE REQUIREMENT that whomever I date also desires to live aligned w these passions. If you do not, please respect my time. I apologize if that comes across as rude, but I'm here looking for a partner, not friends or compliments.

ADDENDUM: I have encountered a lot of "John 14:6 Christians" lately. For the record, I am an extremely spiritual person: I believe in a Higher Power, and I believe there are MANY paths that lead to God. I do not diriminate on a person's path unless "that path" forces you to be so ridged that you believe "your way" is "the only way". If you believe Jesus Christ is the and only of God, we most definitely are not a Match: DEAL BREAKER. I'm not here to debate religious beliefs. 🙄

ADDENDUM II: I'm not a fan of facial hair, and it would take a lot for me to get beyond it: too ratchy. 😉

If we share these similar interests/beliefs, I look forward to hear from you; if we don't, I wish you the best in your search!

Initially, I struggled to properly deribe all the ways this woman is just plain batty, but quickly realized there's no need. She does it all by herself.

Be careful out there, my single friends.
A New Venue
Posted:Dec 25, 2017 5:00 pm
Last Updated:Dec 25, 2017 5:01 pm

While this post is mostly about the new dating record, it'll also serve as a bit of an omnibus entry on life in KC as well as other things. Oh yeah, did I mention I moved to Kansas City? Let's begin there.

As I've perused dating profiles, a few patterns quickly emerged. First, they sell a LOT of makeup in KC; I've never seen so much product on faces as I have here. Another trend is that even the women are mostly rabid sports fans. KC won the World Series a few ago, so every's a Royals fan. Then, there's the Chiefs for football. Out here, being a Royals fan is like loving the beach in RVA; of course, this is the Midwest and there ain't no beach anywhere close. I will say fewer women explicitly state they love to laugh, which can't be but so bad. Finally, if I had any doubt about landing in the Bible belt, it's long since vanished. I've never seen so many women who espouse their faith and trust God, yada yada yada... While I have no issue with people of faith, I won't date for reasons I've already diussed. Also, plenty of women who fish and hunt. Finally, there seem to be an inordinate number of women with Harley's; no clue what's driving that.

While I'm on dating trends, I'll also share that's become universal, in my experience. So many women are posting face pictures run through a filter that is a mix between a soft focus and something else. It removes wrinkles from their faces and makes them look vibrant. I'm guessing it comes from of the apps like chat or something similar. Regardless, I've seen a multitude of profiles with these pictures and wonder what the hell these women are thinking. Sure, you look great in your pictures, but what sort of face will I encounter when we actually meet? In my mind, this is even worse than the 10 year old, 50 pound lighter photos people leave on their profiles because this photo effect requires effort, so it's tantamount to intentional misdirection. Just my $.02 on the subject.

I'm still homeless and living in an extended stay hotel. Great for points but it's getting old. I've been looking for a house to rent until I decide what I'm doing out here and the oddest thing I've diovered is that Johnson County keeps being brought up as where all the 'upper echelon' folks live. Really? A whole county? The only instance of a whole county genuinely being home to the wealthy, almost exclusively, is Suffolk county in NY, on the eastern most portion of Long Island. Think Hamptons and you'll get the idea. Back to KC, most of the houses that meet my criteria are in JoCo, so I've spent a fair amount of time traversing the area. I can tell you that while there are certainly some very very nice homes, the place has its share of dumps as well. The key attribute it possesses though is that being the only county that's not neither in the city nor middle of nowhere. So, by default, it's the premier location to live in the area.

On to the dating! I unhid my Match profile, threw the location of my hotel on it, and began to explore (I've already covered those impressions). Smelling the fresh meat of a single guy new to the market, I was quickly approached by a few women.

Conversation with the first progressed quickly and at some point I mentid writing this blog. Initially she wanted to know whether I was dating solely for material for my blog. Ummm, no hy. Despite my insisting I was actually looking for a relationship, she remained quite concerned she'd wind up being diussed here. I told her I'd seen just about everything under the sun, from a dating perspective, and that she'd have to be particularly out there to find a place in my blog. Perhaps of my weaknesses is underestimating people.

Initially, when she reached out to me, I hesitated to respond because she wasn't the type of woman I'm usually interested in. But she seemed kind and fun and uncomplicated. When I say she was uncomplicated, I mean her mind was uncomplicated with any sort of deep thought; that was what made her not my normal type. But, perhaps uncomplicated was what I needed at the moment.

Despite being uncomplicated, this woman brought more than her share of complications to the party. She'd been in an emotionally abusive marriage with a man who body shamed her, so her self esteem was iffy on a good day. She was also of those girls who loved sex but didn't want to be labeled as a slutty girl. To top it off, she bemoaned her trusting nature being taking advantage of by men she'd dated.

The only thing that kept me from bolting immediately was her early revelation that she was a dirty girl and sent me photos to prove it. I'm a guy and hadn't gotten laid in awhile, so that sort of uncomplicated fun sounded great to me. Stop reading if you've got an issue with that. What made her more attractive was that she wanted our first date activity to take place on a Serta, since she'd also been without for awhile. We both wanted a nice relationship, so this wasn't intended to be a night stand, but our first date was about satisfying needs. I already knew that in all likelihood, nothing good would come from this, but uncomplicated was so refreshing. Except when it wasn't.

The warning signs kept trickling in the form of a few reoccurring themes. She kept repeating how she was 'unique and a great catch' and 'wasn't like any other woman I'd ever met' to where it almost sounded like a mantra. She had lingering body image issues and was 'insecure' about her w.

Oh I recognized it at the time, the fucked up self esteem and such. But uncomplicated was so refreshing.

I thought it prudent to diuss expectations for our outing. Considering her self esteem issues, I was just waiting for her to decide to be a lady (another post to be completed). I also wanted to diuss safety due to not wishing to receive a complicated gift that kept giving. Before I could , she sent me a note and said she wanted to be up front with me about her dating situation. She'd previously told me about another guy she'd been talking to, who was on an international assignment but would be returning shortly. She brought him up and said she took great pride in her loyalty and wanted to meet him when he returned. He deserved 'a chance'. Oh and there were other guys she'd been talking to before I came along and she wanted to meet them too, for the same reason. Again, because of loyalty. Uhhh, what???

So, I ed her that night and tried to her understand that dating wasn't the same as little league; not every who signs up gets to . Grownups choose their best ers in order to be successful. Not to mention you have no obligation to some dude who you haven't found interesting enough to even talk on the ph with. I also told her that I would not be of , even though she clarified she wouldn't be sleeping with the others. By the time you get to actual dates, dating isn't a competition where you meet a bunch of people, then rank them. If you meet some and really like them, you don't meet a bunch of others just to be 'fair'. So, her not being able to narrow the field, so to speak, made it clear she was absolutely clueless. She said that she hadn't thought of the situation the way I had; that I'd changed her mind and she would jettison the extras.

With regard to sleeping together, I made it clear I expected us to remain monogamous, so long as we intended to continue with adult time. Bottom line is if you're sleeping with me, I don't want you rewing other guys in between our encounters. It's basic safety as well as serves to eliminate confusion. It's a way street because I reciprocate with the same, regardless of whether we're talking relationship or fwb's. Despite explaining my desires using small words, she kept insisting I'd consider us to be in a relationship after we slept together. I repeatedly explained that wasn't the case. But she just didn't seem to grasp that sexual monogamy and a relationship weren't always the same thing. The joys of an uncomplicated girl.

She wouldn't let this die, despite me explaining in every way possible, including hand puppets. She'd interject proclamations of how unique and special she was and how she deserved to be treated well. Also, how she was nervous because of her body image. Yeah, she was all over the map with dysfunction. But she remained stymied on how monogamy doesn't always equal a relationship. In her frustration, she began to insult me.

Well, that did it for me. I all but hung up on her at that point, although I'm fairly certain I uttered a few choice words she didn't know the meaning of.

Uncomplicated is so refreshing!

I will say she was right about thing though. She was quite unique and unlike any woman I've ever encountered. Her unique blend of stupidity, insecurity, and childish behavior will make her stand out for quite some time.

But wait, there's more!

Another woman had reached out to me and we'd begun to exchange notes. She seemed okay, if not compelling, but could at least carry on a conversation. Shortly after our initial contact, I'd decided I'd already reached a point where I'd had enough of reentering the dating ene, so I hid my profile. During an exchange, she mentid something about understanding I was a Formula 1 fan. I was duly impressed she managed to remember that from my profile. In the next set of notes, she wanted to talk about the pictures on my profile, and began to note specific details in each . 'I'm looking at the picture of you under your Porhe...' Wait, what? Then it hit me; she must have copied my entire profile, pictures and all. Whether she had become mildly obsessed or not, I found it creepy. I asked her how she was looking at my pictures when my profile was hidden. I'm sure it will come as no surprise when I say she vanished, after that.

And there you have it, folks. Right out of the gate, my first encounters with KC women have yielded fucking oddballs. Oh, this is going to be quite the adventure in the flat lands!
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Dating Profile Of The Week for May 1, 2017
Posted:May 2, 2017 1:15 pm
Last Updated:May 19, 2017 7:28 am

Lately, I've been remiss in sharing interesting dating profiles I've come across. I've been busy meeting the strange and freaky, as well as engaging in real life. While I've gathered a few profiles that are laughable (which I'll share at some point), this one popped up today and really struck a chord.

On Plethora of Fools, user RVA5025 (Natalie) devotes a sizable chunk of her profile to demeaning other women who she sees as inferior to herself.

She writes:

I get that there are many women whose idea of "flirting" is texting naked and suggestive pictures to you. I get that a large percentage of women you've met will go home with you before knowing your last name, and if not on the first date, certainly by the second or third. This is not me.

That doesn't make me a prude or a woman who doesn't enjoy intimacy. That makes me a woman with self-respect and standards. I know that's rare these days...

I'm going full off the cuff on this one, , and remove what little filter I possess. The first thing I thought, when reading this was 'you stupid, judgmental, closed minded, ignorant bitch'. Seriously, you're looking down your nose at other women for something you obviously have zero clue about.

Women don't have sex with a guy on the first or second date because they lack self-respect or possess low standards. They do it because they want to be fucked! A woman can do that because she controls her body and has the power to do with it as she sees fit. When she has needs, she has the option to fuck whoever she wants and still look at herself in the mirror. I'm so sick of slut shaming by the ignorant.

She's not the first woman I've encountered with this same point of view. The kind who considers sex as a reward for sticking with them through a certain period of time. 'You're a good boy and have proven yourself worthy by tolerating me, despite how bitchy and humorless I am. You may put your penis inside me. But please take a shower first and don't even think of putting that thing near my mouth.' This attitude wasn't uncommon when I was in my 20's, but if a woman reaches her forties and nothing's changed, she's got some issues. I haven't encountered very many women in their forties who don't want sex a lot. In any case, you know damned well sex with this chick will be horrible.

My Turkish former fwb had the same viewpoint, when it came to sleeping with men she was dating. She even came up with a points system to prevent sleeping with a guy too early. I told her that no matter what hurdles she put up, it didn't matter. Just because the guy stayed with you until he met the points quota doesn't mean he won't disappear the morning after he fucks you. Furthermore, some guys enjoy a challenge, meaning they'll stick it out, just to get what they want. Conversely, fucking a guy on the first or second date has almost no bearing on whether the relationship will last.

I'm done with my tirade now...
Your Meaningful Relationship With a Married Man Is Neither
Posted:May 1, 2017 6:01 pm
Last Updated:Jan 21, 2021 5:48 pm

If you read my previous blog, which discussed unrealistic expectations in dating, and why women who've never been married / had tend be one big red flag, you'll remember the woman who became the sort of poster for both. In that post, I also related how the love of her life was a man married another woman. Over the , I've encountered a few women who've told me the same thing. In fact, I got into a fairly hot debate with another blogger here, when she attempted to defend being involved with a married man. But this most recent one pushed me over the edge to write about the topic. I almost feel the need to thank her for providing such great material for this blog, although I doubt she'd be terribly welcoming of my gratitude.

Before we go any further, I'll preface by saying this blog will likely include some rather blunt and nasty sentiments. And lots of sarcasm. I consider repeated and ongoing infidelity to be reprehensible and therefore, have little tolerance or compassion for those who engage in it.

Back on topic..

As a basis for discussion, here's what the most recent woman wrote in an email to me, although it's incredibly consistent with what I've heard from the others I've encountered.

...there has been one man in my life who made me feel incredibly sexy, beautiful, and wanted. He was and probably still is absolutely amazing. The only man I have ever loved. We trusted each other against all odds and allowed ourselves to be vulnerable through words, thoughts, and announced feelings. He was also married and it would never be anything but that. Shame on him and shame on me yet the greatest love I have ever felt.

Let's get this one out of the way first. For the cheater, I don't think there's much of a debate to be had. He's repeatedly cheating, being unfaithful, trashing his marriage vows, etc. He's a scum bag of the highest order; pretty self-evident stuff. In my opinion, she's not much better, knowingly engaging with a scumbag cheating on his wife. Obviously, the situation changes if she doesn't know he's married, but that takes a special kind of naivete. No, the women I've encountered have all been intelligent enough to know the guy's both married and going to stay that way.

While that wonderful man is lying to and cheating on his wife, the other woman believes he's being honest with her. Why would she believe otherwise? Clearly, his actions demonstrate his high level of integrity!

My favorite part of her bears repeating:
We trusted each other against all odds and allowed ourselves be vulnerable through words, thoughts, and announced feelings.

Odds of what, you drama queen? Getting caught sneaking around with a married dude? Maybe that's it, against all odds, we got away with it.

Also, I think it's I'd be remiss if I neglected point out the omission of a rather important word here. That word is ACTIONS. As I wrote in my blog about love, it's a verb, and while words are nice say and hear, they mean nothing without the deeds associated with them. And that's why this mess isn't a relationship.

But, because he has go home his wife, he gets a pass on that whole action thing. Except for the action he's getting from his side chick, obviously. That's a great gig for him!

He's saying all the things she wants hear and she's drinking it in, like some sort of ambrosia. She believes him because why wouldn't she? After all, there has never ever been a man, in the history of civilization, who has said things a woman wants to hear in order to get her into the sac I'm confident enough say I speak for every man on this. It's just something we wouldn't do.

Yet, I've heard many women complain about men who do just that; say whatever they need for a roll in the hay. As a matter of fact, the woman who wrote the above, did just that in the same email. It seems those weren't the right words for her swallow.

When a woman tries justify how great the cheater she's screwing is, I like ask questions that usually get in trouble, but force her admit things she doesn't want . 'So when the last time he changed a tough to reach light bulb for you? Or got under your car to investigate the odd noise it was making. When you had that awful stomach flu, did he come over and take care of you?' The most common response, after the explanations and justifications (he would if he could, really!), is 'never'.

Gullible? I think that's being kind.

Affecting Later Relationships
When the part ways, how does her experience impact how she views new potential relationships? She has a plethora of fond memories, where her partner is loving, kind, thoughtful, and eager please. He always made their time together seem like a fairy tale. She never considers that he only needed to be this amazing man for a few hours a wee Almost any man can be 'perfect' and 'amazing' for short bursts. But she's not thinking about that because she can feel he truly loves her, he said, sarcastically.

She doesn't see how he's let the garage become a disaster area, how he berates his (when he's not ignoring them), or refuses help around the house. How he's a bastard be around, when he's had a bad day at wor She doesn't hear him body shaming his wife. These are are all made up and are not intended describe anyone in particular. However, from the women I've dated who've had their husband cheat on them, they're not far from the truth. Not one told me their ex was a loving man at home. In my experience, men who cheat tend to be neglectful and distasteful husbands. Beyond the cheating obviously.

But again, she only sees that perfect man she fell in love with and he becomes the yardstick by which other relationships are measured. That almost always leaves her in a conflicted state. She wants a 'real' relationship, but none can ever measure up to that little utopia the cheater created for her. No one, regardless of how exceptional they are, can be perfect 24/7, yet she somehow thinks otherwise.

Other Consequences
Finally, an aspect I can't really comment on, because I've no way of seeing into these women's heads. What does an affair like this, really do to a woman's self-esteem? Sure, she feels loved and all that other shit, but in the back of her mind, she knows she'll never be his top priority. It's thrown in her face every time he goes home to his wife, or cancels an interlude because of unexpected family obligations. His words say she's the love of his life but his actions invariably confirm her status as second best. Or does she rationalize it in her obviously malleable mind in some way? For those who've been in this situation and are brave enough, I'd genuinely welcome your input.

I'll close with a question to ponder. Certainly, the experience negatively impacts the other woman, but was she already suffering from some sort of issue that made the arrangement attractive in the first place? Feel free to share your thoughts.
When Volunteer Work Becomes A Bit More Challenging
Posted:Apr 30, 2017 5:43 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2017 6:43 pm

Preface: This entry is not intended to evoke a pity party nor to solicit platitudes for my volunteer work. It's simply a 'get it off your chest' post.

As I mentioned in a previous blog entry, volunteering at the local SPCA has been incredibly rewarding for me. I can see genuine results of my efforts in the form of dogs finding homes. And I get to play with dogs, which is always fun. However, over the past few weeks, there have been some rough days for me at the shelter.

It'll help if I set the stage a bit. What most people don't realize is that many of the animals that come through our facility have never been pets or have been in 'the system' for so long, they've forgotten how to be one. As a result, they can often be quite difficult to work with, spooky, and sometimes aggressive. When I get done at the shelter, it sometimes feels as though I've been in a bar fight, because some massive animal has been fighting me on a leash or body slamming me in excitement. Bottom line, you can't do this sort of work without possessing a sincere, genuine love of animals.

But you wind up facing a double edged sword, because as much as you love these dogs, even the more challenging ones, you have to be able to switch your emotions off when you leave at the end of the day. If you don't, you'll wind up a complete mess and unable to do the work you've committed yourself to. It's a skill I've become adept at over the six years of so I've been on the volunteer training group. Some of the things I've seen, with respect to the condition dogs arrive in, I refuse to speak or think about. You have to shut those thoughts out.

But every now and again, there are dogs that won't allow you to just walk away unscathed. For one reason or another, they steal your heart and won't let go. So, as much as I try to cultivate my cold, bulletproof persona, I'll admit to there being times I've driven home with a tear in my eye. That happened this past week, but it was more of a tidal wave.

The story starts in September of last year. There were two German Shepherds that came into the shelter together; one was a 'standard', the other a beautiful white one. They had clearly been in the system for quite some time and were so shut down and flat that they were almost spooky. Like most dogs, they were incredibly stressed in the shelter environment. They were were loving, gentle, and scared out of their minds and for some reason, these two captured my heart. Two gorgeous dogs like that would normally find homes in a heartbeat. The white one alone would be adopted before I could finish typing this sentence. Except they had become emotionally dependent on one another and could only be adopted as a pair. Because of their codependency, I couldn't really work with one at a time, so I spent hours with both, gaining their trust, giving them love, treats, and generally trying to make their stay a little stressful. I know it helped a bit because they didn't wag their tails at all, when someone came to visit; they began doing it for me but only me.

Obviously, adopting two massive dogs requires someone special. Yet, some time in October, it happened, but came back within a month, when their new family had to move and couldn't take the girls along. They went back out in March and I thought they'd struck gold, being adopted by a family with a farm. We were all encouraged by the photos of the girls playing, which no one could get them to do at the shelter. Then, on Thursday, I saw a sign on one of the kennels - 'Reserved for X & Y'. My girls were being returned (through no fault of their own) and it felt like my heart was being ripped out. I'm not ashamed to admit there were a few tears even before I left the shelter that day.

But I'm taking all of the emotion and turning it to motivation to get the dogs adopted. That means breaking them up, if at all possible, but only if it can be done without harming their emotional well being. I'm the only one they trust enough to venture out without each other, so the task falls to me. I'll spare you the details, but I began yesterday and am encouraged by what I've accomplished so far.

Long post, with multiple admissions of vulnerability, but it needed to be written just to get if off my chest. Thanks for reading.
Expectations In Your Fantasy World
Posted:Apr 28, 2017 10:27 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2017 1:25 pm

When I wrote my entry on dating in your 40's, I thought I'd covered the topic fairly well. However, I recently had an experience that pushed what I considered an abnormal dating pitfall into the primary group.

I'd been emailing with a lovely woman, who seemed like a great catch. Educated, funny, very attractive, yada yada yada. We decided to chat on the phone and had an interesting and enjoyable conversation. The next day, she sent me an email that contained the following:

I must be honest though, I felt like I was talking to a long lost buddy, not someone I thought I might date. I'm not writing it off, I simply didn't fall asleep pondering the what ifs. I think that's what I was hoping for.

Wait, what???

While many have become jaded, everyone desires the fairy tale 'happily ever after', whether they'll openly admit it or not. Most of us who are dating have the desire to find a love that will last the rest of our lives. Some, both with and without some sort of mental health issues, tend to dive into a serious relationship more quickly than others. I've been guilty of doing so occasionally, in the past.

However, expecting to discover that perfect match / soulmate / love of your life in an initial phone call is just ludicrous for a host of reasons that I think are self-evident. Sorry, but I'm not feeling the need to sugar coat, today. There must be some insane level of magic that's gotta go down for that to happen! Personally, I've never experienced it nor have I ever encountered someone who claims it happened to them. One thing is for certain though; had someone told me they'd imagined the future with me, after the first phone call, Mo Farah would have looked like he was standing still compared to the speed I exhibited in running away.

She went on to conclude with: This may add to the reasons I am single.
Gee, ya think?

Before our phone conversation, she shared that the great love of her life was married to another woman. That somewhat set the stage for her expectations to be somewhat out of sync with reality. I'll save my thoughts on that situation for another post.

That brings us back to the beginning, where I mention omissions in my original dating entry. While I touched on unrealistic expectations, that section should probably be a bit more robust. If you revisit the blog, you'll see I explicitly state that those in the various segments should be avoided and a new one has been added.

Never Married / No - Probably what will be the most controversial on the list, it belongs just the same. It's intentionally a two criteria segment because, while it may offend some readers, you haven't learned what true commitment is until you've had of your own. Marriage can teach commitment, but not always. Regardless, the women in this segment have made a commitment to neither marriage nor . Because the reasons vary, ranging from unrealistic expectations, to chronic immaturity, to mental illness / fear of commitment / inability to love, and so on, it's not feasible to create the perfect picture of this woman. However, I've dated multiple women who fall into this category and, with only one exception, they've all been disasters.

This experience provides a great time to revisit our own expectations, with respect to a potential partner, and ask ourselves whether they're reasonable, complete fantasy, or potentially harmful to our own well being.

But dating in your 40's will still suck, so why bother. Just get a and fuck random strangers...
Asking For What You Need
Posted:Mar 14, 2017 10:27 am
Last Updated:May 2, 2017 8:15 am

In just the past couple of months, I've taken some harsh criticism for something I take very seriously, not being there to support someone I love. Both accusations came from women; they hurt but also, to be blunt, pissed me off. Why? Because, in both instances, I wasn't aware they needed my support until I was accused of neglecting them. And that's the theme of this blog.

If you want something, ask for it!

This goes for anything you may need someone you love to provide for you. Support, sex, a shoulder to cry on, dinner out, whatever. However, we're not talking about another Prada bag or giving up golf. You're on your own for those sorts of things.

Before I go any further, let's get it out in the open; it's pretty much the men who are guilty of falling short in these matters. We all know it, so I won't couch this entry by saying it applies to both sexes; it really doesn't.

People in general, and men in particular, can't be expected to read minds. Take asking for emotional support as an example. Men are typically brought up to not show emotion; it's a sign of weakness!. Therefore, we almost never ask for someone to 'be there' for us. We're just not wired to consider that as an option, so that need doesn't pop into our head. Therefore, if your entire family gets eaten by a herd of hippos, but you're soldiering onward, wearing a brave face, we think you've got it under control. About the only time we'll know you need us is if you're bleeding out on the floor after a knife fight.

I'll say it again - If you need something from your partner or close friend, ask for it. I'm not, in any way, saying you don't deserve whatever you're asking for. And that whatever may be supremely self-evident to you and perhaps the rest of the world. But even the most thoughtful guy is going to miss certain things from time to time. And I'll speak for the male gender when I say we're happy to do things in order to support you. Your happiness is very important to us. So, if we're not giving you what you need, ask.

This may sound harsh, but if you haven't gotten 'whatever', and haven't asked, then don't complain, because you have no right to. Silence is tacit acceptance of what you're receiving from those around you.

He should have known about 'whatever'! Perhaps, but, for whatever reason, he didn't. Don't allow yourself to become bitter over something that could have been a non-issue. Let the one's who love you be the heroes they wish they could be for you!

I'll use the two women I mentioned as examples. Those who've read my other posts will recognize both of them. We'll start with my recent friend dumper. It seems she was upset that I wasn't there for her during the holidays, which are a difficult time for reasons I won't share here. Honestly, I'd forgotten, because she's always been the master of soldiering on. I hadn't been around due to my own self-centered issues and tough time, but that's not important. When I reached out, post holidays, she gave me the silent treatment and continues to refuse any sort of communication.

When a friend isn't there for you, but you need them, which is the better option?
a) Friend 1 - 'Hey, if you're around, I could use some company. You know this time of year is a bit rough for me.'
Friend 2 - 'I'm so sorry; I totally forgot about that. Sure, when do you want me to come over? Should I bring cake?'


b) Silence, followed by being resentful and angry enough to cut ties with your best friend.

She indicated, on social media, that had I offered an apology, she'd have likely accepted it. That information was a bit tough to come by, since she'd completely cut ties with me. Should I have known to send an apology? Probably. I fucked up with her. But obviously, I didn't.

Again, choose the better option:
a) Friend 1 - 'You suck as a friend! You disappeared when I needed you. You know the holidays are tough for me.'
Friend 2 - 'Oh shit, I forgot about that. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. You deserve better from me.'


b) Friend 1 - Silence

In this case, as I've stated before, I fucked up and I'm not placing the blame elsewhere. I admit it, regret being self-centered, and deserve whatever abuse I receive. (So, skip the 'you're an asshole' comments; pointing out the obvious is embarrassing for both of us.) But to end a friendship over not getting something you could have, had you only asked?

The other person is the woman I was dating while I was ignoring former friend's needs for me to be there. She was going through a challenging phase of her divorce and it was weighing heavily on her. However, she was, wait for it, soldiering on. After we broke up, she complained that I wasn't there for her during that tough time.

In both cases, I'm obviously sympathetic to their situation. With my former best friend, unless she got the bargain unit, the silver thing she carries around not only receives phone calls and emails, but it also initiates outgoing messages. Had she used that functionality, things would have ended differently. With respect to the apology, again, had she asked, I would have offered one; she was my best friend and I loved her for it. But rather than ask for what she needed, both my time and an apology, she ended our friendship.

In the case of the other woman, I was in the same damned room with her, when she claims I wasn't there for her. Yes, I was busy making Christmas cookies, but she never gave so much as a hint she needed my shoulder. Yet she bitched after the fact. Sorry, princess, if you couldn't ask, you're not allowed to bitch.

I'll repeat this one more time: Had either of the two asked for me to support them, I would have dropped everything to provide that support, no questions asked.

Ultimately, we must take responsibility for our own needs, even if we're forced to rely on someone else to meet them. Don't allow yourself fall into the trap of becoming bitter over a situation you had the power to change, had you simply asked for what you need.
Please Tie Me To The Bed?
Posted:Mar 4, 2017 8:02 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2020 7:55 am
In my previous blog, I mentioned how I was privileged enough to allow a woman to live out her sexual fantasies, as well as discover new and exciting ones. In a blog I published elsewhere (which won’t show up here), I wrote about the dangers of dating someone who’s separated. However, I also identified the one potential silver lining that a man may experience with certain women. These women have been trapped in a garbage marriage, with a man that had long lost interest in satisfying them. During that marriage, their sexual desires have increased in both intensity and breadth. So, when they leave their marriage, they’ve amassed one or more sexual fantasies that they’re dying to live out. If you’re a man who can build a level of trust with one of these ladies, you could be in for a fun ride. The following is one of many I’ve enjoyed.

I had the pleasure of playing Mr. Roarke (if you’re too young to get the reference, the internet’s your friend) for Miss Abandonment issues, who I’ve previously written about. From a , her most erotic fantasy was being tied down to a bed, blindfolded, and at the mercy of a strong man. This came up when I mentioned I owned a set of restraints. She said she’d wanted to have that experience so long, but never trusted her husband enough to let him tie her down. But she trusted me and asked if I could make it happen for her. Well, who am I to say no to a beautiful woman who wants to give herself to me completely?

Since she held this fantasy for so long, I took my responsibility seriously, wanting to make it as memorable as possible. There were boxes from Amazon (you can get anything there!) arriving every day, leading up to the big event. The blindfold was a big deal, because to her, the excitement came as much from the anticipation and not knowing what was coming next, as the physical sensation. Also in preparation, we established a safe word, just in case.

When the big evening arrived, I ushered her into my bedroom and instructed her to put on a set of stockings I’d purchased for her. I may have a bit of an affinity for nylon covered legs, so they were added to the fantasy by me. I applied the blindfold, then placed her in the restraints, both wrist and ankle. I uncovered my ‘tool box’ (which I’d kept hidden so she had no clue even what was on offer) and audibly contemplated my next move, letting the anticipation build. I began with light touches to her shoulders, thighs, and then breasts. I told her that she was completely mine, that I owned her and would do as I pleased for the rest of the night. That she was at my mercy and would feel pleasure and pain, subject to my whim. In order to drive that point home, I provided a physical reminder of how helpless she was, by straddling her and shoving my cock in her mouth (which she truly loves). After making her gag on my hard cock, I spent some time fucking her tits. It’s worth pointing out that Miss AI has an amazing rack and loves her tits very much. She’s almost invariably fondling one or the other and loves any attention centered on them. Having appropriately raised her temperature, I decided to cool her off a bit and grabbed the ice/water container. I let a few drops touch her belly, hips, and nipples, each drop eliciting a small gasp.

Then, it was time to turn up the heat, so I pulled out the magic wand I’d purchased and applied it to various parts of her body, taking what must have seemed to be an eternity to reach her clit. Her body began to buck against her bonds. After just a few seconds, she told me ‘no’ (for what has long since escaped me), which earned the removal of the wand from her sex. She screamed in frustration and begged for me to take care of her. No, it was time for some slow anticipation, along with a reminder of who was in charge. So I returned to lightly touching various body parts with verbal instructions of how someone in her position should speak to their owner.

At this point, I inserted a bullet vibe (with remote) I’d purchased into her soaking pussy, but leaving it turned off, to further build her anticipation. I turned it on and enjoyed watching her body begin to move as she responded to the stimulation. As she built up steam toward reaching an orgasm, I turned the vibe off and walked away, saying she didn’t deserve to cum after telling me no. When I came back, I made her apologize and beg for me to touch her. At that point, I decided she could have an orgasm and turned the vibe back on until she came for me.

With that done, I pulled out my last remaining tool, which was a sex candle. If you’re not familiar with these, they’re made of wax with a much lower melting point than the ones you buy at say Pier One. Sure, they still provide some pain (as desired) but the wax isn’t as hot so it won’t burn your lover’s skin.

And so it went, for the next 45 minutes I repeated the cycle, slowly and deliberately applying various touch sensations, gradually building toward a crescendo that sometimes, I’d give her the orgasm she longed for, and other times not, leaving her frustrated and whimpering. Sometimes, the ice or candle would be accompanied by my turning on the vibe inside her, others on their own. She never knew what was coming or whether she’d be, um, cumming. When I felt I’d brought her everything she desired and more, I went in for the grand finale, which consisted of both the bullet buzzing her g-spot and the wand on her clit. I made her scream for me through three back to back orgasms, her body bucking and twisting against the bonds that held her wrists and ankles.

When I released her from her bonds, she could barely move and my sheets were soaked from her sweat and other bodily fluids. She thanked me for making her fantasy become reality and putting the thought and effort into the experience. She told me it was more exciting than she’d ever dreamed it could be.

For me, even though the only intimate touch I received was what I described above, it was still one of the hottest encounters I’ve ever had. I’d tied partners up before, but they weren’t as engaged as Miss AI was. I’ve already written about the woman who was so submissive that she just laid there and came over and over. I think the other thing that made it incredibly exciting was knowing I was the one she wanted to live her fantasy with, and the gratitude she demonstrated at my making it happen.

This was one of the few encounters I’ve recorded. She wasn’t terribly enthused about my doing so, but acquiesced just the same. I’m glad I did because it’s hotter than any porn video I’ve ever seen. No, I’m not posting it here. You’ll have to make do with a properly blurred still and use your imagination for the rest.
Dating and Mental Illness - The Data
Posted:Feb 5, 2017 7:19 pm
Last Updated:Mar 14, 2017 9:41 pm

Some folks have taken me to task on my assertion that it's more difficult to find a single woman without mental illness, in my demographic, than not. That I'm way overestimating the ration, because I only wind up dating crazies. That I've repeatedly explained how it's not the case doesn't seem to matter.

The sole purpose of this post is to determine whether my claim is complete rubbish or within the realm of possibility. We're going to look at data, nothing more. I've covered the 'whys' and 'hows' elsewhere.

Some scope for you - In every instance, the data refers to any mental illness as defined by the DSM. This guidebook is rather comprehensive, categorizing everything from psychosis to phobias to depression. This data doesn't distinguish between levels of illness or ability to function. There are different data sets for serious mental illness.

Also, my claims have been centered on mental illness, not the ability to function. If you've read my posts, every woman I've encountered, with mental illness, has been very high functioning. They're well respected professionally and as mothers, don't boil rabbits, etc. To the rest of the world, they're perfectly normal (if there is such a thing), but to those who engage in a relationship with them, it's a completely different story. The causes I've seen have been wide ranging; something as seemingly basic as very low self-esteem will cause issues in a relationship.

So, I've taken some time to research and find relevant data. Ideally, I wanted to find what the likelihood of mental illness was in separated or divorced college educated women between the ages of 40 to 50. It should come as no surprise that no data exists (at least in the public realm) that provides that level of granularity. However, plenty of data exists to allow us to sort of back into a number. Some attributes will require either a guess or just to dismiss it. For example, there's not sufficient granularity available to make a calculation on mental illness by age. All of the data sets I've found have too wide a range (26-49) for this exercise. However, when viewing a graph of what sets I have found, it's clear that the incidence of mental health illnesses peaks in the thirties and forties.

Every study I've found indicates a rather sizable gap between the likelihood of mental illness in married people versus separated or divorced. It makes sense for that demographic to be the one with the highest incidence of mental illness as the logic becomes self-evident. A stable (even if not stellar) home life will prevent some mental illness from surfacing as well as mask existing issues. For example, a woman who's been married for two decades isn't likely to suffer from abandonment issues. Also, it would follow that mental illness may be the cause of some divorces, leaving the parties single. Certainly, this was the case with my ex-wife. Note the absence of opinion of whose mental illness was responsible.

Let's dig into the data and start off with some sort of baseline.
26% of adult population suffer with a diagnosable or serious mental illness (NIH)
Women are 50% more likely than men in general. (NIH)
That extrapolates to 31% of women impacted.
Throw in a 5% bump to ballpark an adjustment for women in their 40's and you ultimately reach a incidence of 33%.
However, this doesn't take marital status into consideration.

The only base data I could find, with respect to marital status was a source (Robins and Regier, 1991, p. 334) that says 44% divorced or separated have mental illness versus 24% for married people. In that case, if we adjust for gender, we reach a number of 66% of all separated/divorced women being impacted. I didn't adjust for age in this case.

If we stick with the 31% baseline number, from the first scenario, and apply another data set I've found (Marital Status and Psychiatric Disorders, Journal of Health and Social Behavior, June 1992), the impact is even worse. According to this study, separated/divorced women are 2.59 times more likely than married women. Now, you're at 80% on the very low side. I don't necessarily buy into the magnitude of that particular data as the sample size isn't as large as I'd like it to be.

Regardless of which data you use, it supports my assertion that in my target demographic, you are more likely to find yourself dating someone with mental illness than not.

Also, I'll add for the record, that those numbers are in line with what I've observed from my own dating experience. One thing that certain readers should keep in mind is that one doesn't typically experience a strong reaction or rave about a mediocre meal. It's the amazingly good and extremely bad ones that people talk about.

This post is not intended to be the definitive work on incidence of mental illness within a specified demographic. Some of the data I was forced to use had some age on it, but it was the best I could find to reach any level of granularity. Again, this is why I'm not claiming this to be accurate to within tenths of a percent.

This post was to consider whether those who've claimed I seek out certain types of women and there's no way my claim that 70% (which was an unconsidered ballpark) of single women in their 40's having mental illness could be right. Based upon the data, it seems I'm in the ballpark.
Confessions of a Former Womanizer
Posted:Feb 2, 2017 6:32 pm
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2018 7:50 pm

Yes, I just admitted to having been a womanizer at one point in my life and opened myself up to the scorn of my female readers.
If you’ve read my previous posts, I like to remain as close to bulletproof as possible. So, why the hell would I expose myself in this way? I read a blog post, earlier today, written by a woman who had a man romance her, then sleep with her, and then bolt. She was genuinely confused and hurt over what took place. I wanted to share why men act in this manner, from the perspective of someone who knows exactly what goes on in the jerk’s mind. To reinforce what many women already know (but still get bruised), which is – When a guy bolts like this, it almost never is the result of shortcomings he sees in you, rather it’s driven by those he sees in himself. Also, I wrote it so that other men will recognize their own challenges and take action to break their cycle.

What follows are my own personal experiences and rather raw admissions, as well as some of what I found, when I did some research a few years ago. I’m not a trained mental health professional; this post is not intended to diagnose, treat, blah blah blah.

This post is not meant to excuse the behavior. I know I hurt a number of women and for that, I’m ashamed.

There was a period of time, after I separated from my wife, where I slept with a large number of women. It was the same pattern over and over. Seduce them, sleep with them once or maybe twice, and then bail, often leaving them hurt. Yep, that’s what a womanizer does. And you’re probably thinking I was reveling in boosting my body count and feeling like a stud. The truth is it left me ashamed, feeling cheap and dirty. I can’t speak for all men, but if you’re somewhat skilled at luring a woman into your bed, at some point, you don’t care about augmenting your body count. I know I didn’t. I didn’t want to sleep with a bunch of random women, then leave them. What I wanted was to have a genuine loving relationship. Doesn’t make much sense, does it.

Some background for you, before I go any further. Those who’ve read my other posts know I was married to a woman with borderline personality disorder. If you’re not familiar with the condition, take a moment to look it up or read about my experience. Go ahead; I’ll wait. The short version, for those who want info in one place, is that borderlines will manipulate you, lie to you, gaslight you, exploit your vulnerabilities, and generally make you feel worthless. Yeah, it sucked and left me with a completely demolished sense of self-esteem and an unhealthy fear of intimacy. Again, feel free to read about that one; but I haven’t really admitted to it here, so you’ll have to look elsewhere for source material.

When I left her and got back into the dating world, it was scary as hell. My marriage taught me that being vulnerable to someone was to be avoided at all costs. Vulnerability=Pain=Bad Yet, I knew that a genuine, solid relationship requires vulnerability to your partner. The result was this insane tug of war inside my head, which was depressing on a high order. I ultimately became an alligator and one of the whackjobs I harp on.

So, what the fuck was going through my head that would cause me to bolt? There were a few different yet common themes that popped into my head, depending on the situation. But they all centered on a common theme that shouldn’t surprise anyone.

The most common one was ‘she’s going to figure out how much of a loser I am; I’d better run before she does and hurts me.’

‘How am I going to follow this up?’ – It’s easy to capture someone’s attention and entice them toward you. As bad as this sounds, it tends to be a formula. Share this story, flirt this way, show how you’re confident with this anecdote, that you’re warm and caring with another, flirt some more. But, no surprise, you lead with your best material, then panic because you think you don’t have anything left to hold her attention, once you’ve captured it. Of course, that’s bullshit, because women want you to be yourself and not put on a show, once they’ve decided to ‘let you in’. But don’t try to convince your subconscious of that.

The Maverick / ‘No, it’s no good.’ – The movie, Top Gun, is full of valuable life lessons. In this case, if you remember when Maverick got back in the air, after killing Goose, he lost his nerve and would disengage, saying ‘No, it’s no good’. I did the same thing, but my rationale for disengaging was built upon as many reasons I could concoct to convince myself a relationship wouldn’t work with this particular woman.

What I was not thinking was how I’m going to sleep with as many women as I can and who cares if I hurt them. Again, I’m not trying to excuse the behavior, but I’d be willing to bet that 99% of the guys who act like jerks aren’t making a conscious decision to do so.

I’ve read that those with similar issues to what I suffered crave the thrill of the chase more than men without issues. Then they lose interest once the challenge has gone away. I don’t know if I buy into that. After all, what red blooded male doesn’t enjoy the chase? That heady feeling of pursuing a lovely lady and savoring making her yours. That’s great stuff for anyone. Those who suffer with intimacy and/or abandonment issues enjoy a larger number of chases, only because they’re compelled to run away, once the shit gets real. You wind up repeating the cycle more frequently than a well-grounded male. But to say they enjoy it more doesn’t ring true. Perhaps, it becomes a sort of soothing factor to them in the same way being in a relationship sooths men who can have one. I’ll let someone with the proper training weigh in on that.

I’m happy and not embarrassed to say I’ve broken my own cycle of behavior. Therapy helped, but recognizing I had an issue and being mindful about allowing those toxic thoughts into my head has paid dividends. Since then, I’ve had one incredible relationship and a few other fulfilling ones. But most importantly, I’ve not slept with, then bolted on a single woman.
Whack Jobs, Nut Cases...When Do They Earn The Title?
Posted:Jan 31, 2017 6:46 pm
Last Updated:Jun 9, 2017 3:49 pm

I’ll freely admit this post is mostly an off the cuff rant, although regular readers of my blog know that my rants aren’t typical of most rants. Those who’ve read my blog also know that I’m nothing if not understanding of those with mental health challenges. That I have a way too much experience in relationships with those suffering from various issues. But I have to admit my level of understanding is diminishing. Some of that can be attributed encountering some really broken women and the rest, I’ll freely admit, comes from having my ass kicked by a few. More than one of the latter, as I’d discovered later, had a pattern of this sort of behavior. Kindness has left the building for the evening.

We know those with abandonment and/or intimacy issues, and definitely borderline personality disorder, tend to have their brain wired in such a way that it rationalizes their non-healthy behavior.

So, the question (and central part of my rant) is when does the empirical evidence become so overwhelming that you can’t ignore you’ve got some serious fucking issues? (I’d ask a mental health professional, if I still had one on retainer or as an fwb.) At what point do we hold those accountable for the destruction they repeatedly cause in the lives of others? Seriously, you can only rationalize so much before something has to make an impression and send up alarm bells.

If you’re in the midst of your third divorce and you’ve fractured your relationships with your siblings because they can’t deal with your lying, how do you say ‘yep, everything’s great’?

If you’re so ashamed about wanting sex, that you resort to displacement and insist that you role play daddy and princess, instead of using your names, don’t you think their might be a problem? And when you literally run from his house in terror because he actually wants to have sex with you and not just his princess, how do you not recognize your behavior isn’t even in the same ballpark with normal?

(Yes, I’ve lived all of these and more.)

When someone you respect and care for has told pointed out your issues and you agree that you might have some cause for concern. When you can’t bear to be alone, yet live in constant fear that those you care for will abandon you?

More importantly, how can you be so self-centered as to continue with the same behavior, inflicting pain and suffering on every person who comes to care for you? Instead of reaching out to an appropriate mental health professional and addressing your issues? To take some fucking responsibility for your actions?

At what point does the world around you earn the right to bestow upon you the title of fucking whack job and abandon you the way you just knew it would?

Yes, that was harsh, but it’s time people start to accept ownership of their actions.

As with all of these posts, I don't doubt there are men who deserve the title. But as I've noted before, I don't date men, so I've got no experience to draw upon.

Now, get off my lawn, ya whack jobs…

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