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Stuck in the Quick Sand of Consiquences
Posted:Jan 30, 2022 7:37 am
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2022 7:19 pm
671 Views

I've been some what silent on the blog front for the last couple of weeks. Moments during the day thoughts and topics come to the surface, quickly forgotten with the weight of life above me. The beginning of the year was an emotional battle fought for the right to walk down the street looking ahead of me, not face down staring at the sidewalk. I, for the first time in my life that I can remember, have upon multiple occasions in the last few months have been able to see evidence of my growth and maturing. One would argue, or at least my negative self talk tells me, "John your fucking 39, are you not supposed to be matured with a superior ability to regulate your emotions. So amazingly so that you are now prepared to pass this ability down to your offspring now." Well.......Nope. I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life. Granted, could ,my circumstances be different had I made different choices threw life? Well ya, but for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Consequences. They need not be good or bad, just the opposite reaction in life, the outcome. It Amuses me greatly to think of it in this aspect. Physics..... what an ignorant cunt I was in high school. So incredibly self obsessed and blind. I vividly remember sitting in into to physics arguing, who cares about the laws of the universe and why things happen. Things happen the way they do, are we are powerless to change universal law. So why waste time understanding why things happen, and instead, why do we not focus on the happening. Now 39, this attitude has come back to haunt me on many occasions. Mainly my interest in space, the universe and cosmos, and all things space travel, is definitely hindered with a limited understanding of the information I try to attain. I have also learned and firmly believe, that for every rule and law, there is always an exception. Now, granted, I am sure that some scientist could provide facts of absolutes, and honestly I would welcome that. But in life, love, growth, law, the flow of the cosmos threw this passage of time and space, there is always something that can create an axial wobble, an error in the code. This gray area people devote there entire lives and career in attempting to understand and communicate to the world. The ability to accept that the gray area is there, more so to attempt to understand and operate within this gray area of life is a gift I believe. The consequence of going to work on time, applying my self and being good at what I do results in job security and the ability to continue moving forwards amidst a forests with a virus spreading threw the foliage. A once bright and vibrant forest of shades of green and brown a plenty, now wilting the black and white shades of death spreading rampantly not so important. The consequences of living for others, continuing to use coping skills that no longer serve there purpose, and ultimately choosing to be me. The consequence is placing my self in a position of having to justify my choice of existence to people in a position to hand down Man's consequences. I know this sounds vague and cryptic, but this is my truth, I think to my self, who am I that my actions and my life deserve so much attention. Then that fire that has burned in my belly for as long as I can remember, that conviction, FUCKING CONVICTION, dramatic, but conviction is such a beautiful and powerful fucking thing. I guess even at times such a strong force that it could even be ugly and painful. I'm not one that can quote people accurately but I once heard and who knows this could be completely wrong, but I believe Gandhi said to be the change that you want to see. Our system is broken. A source of code, so completely and utterly corrupted by viruses, a code that no longer works no matter how badly the programmers rewrite and throw patches at it. Sadly there are two ways to approach this, and either is a legitimate approach depending where your at. You accept the code as something bigger than you, you read it and understand it and instead of fighting it, you learn to operate within the code. Or, go limp. Or at least that is how I describe my experience. So many times through life I have had the conviction deep with in that things were not right. I don't mean unfair, or poor me. I mean on a universal level, above man's choice, I believe this to be my moral compass. Nature or Nurture, fuck see we just keep opening can after can of worms. I digress, so do you allow your self to sway the moral compass for gain, or pleasure, or revenge. Are you even aware of it at all? I believe at some extent that we all have one, and to be perfectly honest I have lived my life at times where I was well aware of my compass pointing in the opposite direction and full bore continued what I was doing. I guess this is where healthy shame sparks into life. So now, not not fighting to code, merely floating on the same plane with it, I almost feel as though I am floating 100's of yards of the coast of the Florida. Lying there on my back allowing the currents to take me as they please. Allowing the code to notice my choice to be non reactive to its stimuli, instead floating here, reading code and understanding it, conviction comes flowing forth and a Phoenix that has flown through battle after battle at the wizards side, has none times of peace and merriment, seen atrocities, and ran the gambit of life lands upon a platinum perch one last time. Breathing deeper and deeper with each breath taken, slowly starts to ease his muscles, shoulders relaxing, wings gently falling to each side, tail lowering as it is unfurled in a majestic tapestry of secrets. Eyes slowly shutting as his beak begins resting upon its broad chest. One can't tell whether the light is playing tricks upon ones eyes, but did you see a wisp of smoke, or is the dust in the room merely worked into the air upon his entrance.
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Strickly Hypothetical
Posted:Jan 19, 2022 3:24 pm
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2022 7:19 pm
464 Views

So lets just say one was pondering the great demise, the one off and bang! I would say, kerosine and a Saturn V rocket of some capacity would be involved. What do you do when the puzzle pieces start falling apart. Random mumblings of an ass hat. So I had several, which i say with a grain of sand, run ins with orange cat. I can't help but deeply crave make this stupid cat my best friend. "He's a rescue, but he really saved me!!!!" * said in best white voice. MISSIO-Everybody gets high, just stopped me in my trax
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Strickly Hypothetical
Posted:Jan 18, 2022 5:16 pm
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2022 7:19 pm
503 Views

So lets just say one was pondering the great demise, the one off and bang! I would say, kerosine and a Saturn V rocket of some capacity would be involved. What do you do when the puzzle pieces start falling apart. Random mumblings of an ass hat. So I had several, which i say with a grain of sand, run ins with orange cat. I can't help but deeply crave make this stupid cat my best friend. "He's a rescue, but he really saved me!!!!" * said in best white voice. MISSIO-Everybody gets high, just stopped me in my trax
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Burnt and Stretched Thin
Posted:Jan 17, 2022 4:07 pm
Last Updated:Jan 30, 2022 7:37 am
551 Views

My creativity and social desires seem more like bi-polar to any more. If I could live in a constant state of being manic, how fucking heavenly would that be? hitting this wall, I can not tell exactly why, but its sucking the pressure of the pressure cooker. Which I can not complain about. So about this pressure cooker. After almost 40 years of struggling, hitting bottom after bottom, learning why I act and process in the fashion I do, I have learned the cycles patterns. Like I felt on new years eve, and the times where I get stuck in this repeated process of trying to grasp how the fuck do I find any reason not to deep throat Kate, I feel like my being is second to my circumstance, that I just feel this emotional pressure building. These thoughts of going and starting a fight I know I can't win, or risk choices opens the relief valve just enough to get by to the next morning, and from the moment my eyes open the heart starts to race, the pressure begins to build.
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Little pieces of me
Posted:Jan 13, 2022 4:31 pm
Last Updated:Jan 19, 2022 3:52 pm
591 Views

So in the spirit of transparency I would like think one of my quirky redeeming qualities is that I can push boundaries in an inviting and intriguing way. All that being said 99% of all the things that come out of my mouth are absolute rubbish, well considerably less than that, but I digress. This was a conversation that was held between Siren X and my self the best of my recollection at the moment. The conversation started I believe when I had a desire for chocolate milk own evening while we were chatting. My deviant mind insistently went milk over this woman's goddess like body. Sadly at the moment I can not recollect whether I began with asking if I could a gallon of chocolate milk over her........ Facts may be fuzzy but moral of the story is clear. The pushing of boundaries, realizing that is weird ass shit I want do just for the sake that I can, and if two people are smiling as they drip, . So with an ass so magnificently majestic, I immediately thought that whole milk pouring over her alabaster skin would excite even the prudest gawkers. This person, with out jumping down a rabbit hole I can't afford anyway at the moment, I never worried about stating my desires and being completely open. The idea was met with acceptance and I couldn't help but think how can one take this nirvana and just nestle it within Valhalla. Well if one started by taking one or two big bottles of chocolate syrup and drizzle that shit like slow gin champagne Then whole milk all over that Iowa corn fed thick mass that i dinner. So I cant help but wonder what anyone actually takes the time read this, thinks at this point. Like oh that's not bad, kinda sweet and sexy, well , if I was capable of expressing magical that point of time was in my life. So ever the " Lets push this further" or better yet " How far will she let me go?" I said "I one more, now hear me out.......we do the chocolate and the milk just like before, but this time you will be standing in a transparent kiddie pool. Once the chocolate has been drizzled and the milk poured, that's right when you squat down and start mixing the milk and chocolate with your farts. At this point, even know I can remember the overwhelming sense of accomplishment at thinking of something so very disturbing and clever. Also I was truly thinking that this is an idea that I actually would watch. I've watched some seriously questionable shit, all within my strict moral compass, but still. If I could watch some thick thighed, perfectly proportioned ass, that hour glass figure that just leaves you fucking aching and biting your hand like some 80"s b real actor biting his fist while wearing pastels and a fanny pack as a beautiful woman walks by. It was a hard no to the chocolate fart porn, but the syrup and milk were totally on the table. More so, and incredibly heart warming was my fart porn idea was met with giggles and smiles of acceptance. are times where your asked dance, and you know that by the end of the evening your going watch them walk out the dance holding on someone's shoulder. You do any way, you do because how else do you show gratitude and Revel in the gifts laid upon your feet. You do it because it in the end, its one more scare, one more fairy tale that didn't pan out because it just wasn't programmed that way. Ehh, such is life.
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Tests to ones will
Posted:Jan 12, 2022 6:00 pm
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2022 7:19 pm
651 Views

This week has been incredibly heavy. Monday I absolute garbage. I would say all self inflicted, short of the line up of things I had to work on, which is a completely different level of pain and suffering this week, but I'll get to that. We all cope the way we do, just so happens some of my coping skills come at a price. The immense emotional roller coaster preceding an absolute shit show on my last two/three jobs, and I seriously just struggling to keep going. Regardless of all the reasons why, I able to hit a wall, recognize it, and just give my self some grace for hanging in there as long as I did. I'm feeling old, and I have also been doing all these motions and using these specific muscles for only a over a month. I am getting old, but I am also coming back from a fucked up back and lets face it, I will figure out how to make my body do what I need it to do. Tuesday a bit better, but not less taxing at all. By 3 pm I shot, I'm not used to working while sitting and at ground level, I'm spoiled and I felt every bit of it by the end of the day. Learned some cool lessons and as dumb as this sounds, I forget that when its January and its 0 degrees out, the floor cold. It miraculously dawned on me at the very last minutes of the day, my clothes being filthy from work I could hardly decide how to get undressed and dress and under a blanket on the couch. I shivered on the couch for two hours and crawled in bed. I slept good until midnight and then did the whole wake up every hour on the hour until four. I woke and repaired mentally for the day ahead. I attended to a matter of deep emotional discomfort this morning. Ya I don't know what to say about that. Just had a light bulb moment. Dealing with the issues at work this week, I have been burdened and pressed by feelings of inadequacy. I forget I am addressing issues that I have never dealt with. I am so quick to condemn my self, so worried about what their thinking. Well one, my boss should feel like I am applying my self and getting the job done correctly and what not. Next I just have to be in a place where I can confidently tell the customer "look this is what you got and this is what we did" Which I can, but fuck, I need to speak up when I know that I can't. Also confronted with an email of a nature that really fucks with me deep inside, i able to not respond to something that needed no response. I am also going to ask for help in how to address it. Ugh fuck my life, Nope gonna love me today, ya Ill get to that later, need to eat before I forget to.
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Tests to ones will
Posted:Jan 12, 2022 5:35 pm
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2022 7:19 pm
637 Views

This week has been incredibly heavy. Monday I absolute garbage. I would say all self inflicted, short of the line up of things I had to work on, which is a completely different level of pain and suffering this week, but I'll get to that. We all cope the way we do, just so happens some of my coping skills come at a price. The immense emotional roller coaster preceding an absolute shit show on my last two/three jobs, and I seriously just struggling to keep going. Regardless of all the reasons why, I able to hit a wall, recognize it, and just give my self some grace for hanging in there as long as I did. I'm feeling old, and I have also been doing all these motions and using these specific muscles for only a over a month. I am getting old, but I am also coming back from a fucked up back and lets face it, I will figure out how to make my body do what I need it to do. Tuesday a bit better, but not less taxing at all. By 3 pm I shot, I'm not used to working while sitting and at ground level, I'm spoiled and I felt every bit of it by the end of the day. Learned some cool lessons and as dumb as this sounds, I forget that when its January and its 0 degrees out, the floor cold. It miraculously dawned on me at the very last minutes of the day, my clothes being filthy from work I could hardly decide how to get undressed and dress and under a blanket on the couch. I shivered on the couch for two hours and crawled in bed. I slept good until midnight and then did the whole wake up every hour on the hour until four. I woke and repaired mentally for the day ahead. I attended to a matter of deep emotional discomfort this morning. Ya I don't know what to say about that. Just had a light bulb moment. Dealing with the issues at work this week, I have been burdened and pressed by feelings of inadequacy. I forget I am addressing issues that I have never dealt with. I am so quick to condemn my self, so worried about what their thinking. Well one, my boss should feel like I am applying my self and getting the job done correctly and what not. Next I just have to be in a place where I can confidently tell the customer "look this is what you got and this is what we did" Which I can, but fuck, I need to speak up when I know that I can't. Also confronted with an email of a nature that really fucks with me deep inside, i able to not respond to something that needed no response. I am also going to ask for help in how to address it. Ugh fuck my life, Nope gonna love me today, ya Ill get to that later, need to eat before I forget to.
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9 days in and Killin it
Posted:Jan 9, 2022 8:55 am
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2022 7:19 pm
858 Views

Last night I took way to much poetic justice in attempting to describe new years ever well enough. I am not stoic. I am an emotional creature by nature and I believe this aids in my ability to be passionate. It also means that being in tune with ones feelings is hard when you struggle with regulating your emotions. As a I decided no one was going to hurt me as badly as I can hurt my self. Thats just the truth, and that coping skill helped me survive allot of situations in life. It also resulted in years of self defeating behavior and a toxic cycle of building and destroying my life over and over. I know this is an absolutely public forum and I find my self holding back in trying to explain more clearly the importance of this moment in my life. I have placed my self in many positions in life, and in dealing with certain people that I have ties to, I came to a point where I put my foot down and decided I no longer would allow my self to be manipulated by guilt and shame. I have grown up feeling an absolute inability to be this person everyone around me feels like I should be. Trying to please I attempt and fail over and over and over. Which only increases the problem of feeling negatively about my self. So this new years party was being held at the house of a woman that I was dating. I will say this. I fight and struggle to see any point in my life at times. I know how horrible that sounds and of course I can list off any multitude of things to be grateful for, but when you speak them and no warmth envelops your heart are you truly grateful? I had a moment in time where I was actually optimistic, actual moments of joy. Pure joy, not the joy that comes when doing something that may be bending your moral compass. I was able to look my mother in the face and tell her "Hey, I want you to know that I am doing okay. I'm actually looking forward to seeing where all this is going to go." I sit here writing this, the entire situation having crumbled to shit, but I would not change any of it, those moments are moments in life that one should live for. Incredibly long story short, I got hammer fucking wasted. There was laughing, wedding dresses being put on, and much merriment. I awoke to a very upset individual saying that someone pissed the bed. That person ended up being me. I ended up falling back asleep and going over and over in my head what a fuck up I was. You know that, most people wont, but when I wake up and you are like "Oh Fuck, I think im in trouble." Ron White talked about it, the "Ewww Buddy." So awaking some time later I peak my head out the door, and thinking it witty and actually hoping to find out I ask " Is pissing the bed the worst thing I did all night?" Quickly I realized that having ones bed pissed it is incredibly triggering for some people. The response was not as I had assumed it would come across and actually I could feel my stomach sink, my head spin, as the dragon circling my head swooped in for the death and landed crushing me beneath the breadth of its entire wait, and imploding like a dying star, shrank deep into antimatter capacity lodging it self deep deep with in my soul, sending a planetary wobble through my energy. This nearly threw me off my axis, Nearly. So trying to figure out what one does in the position I just sat, consumed, absolutely consumed with a self hatred and embarrassment and a shame so fucking deep and heavy I could do nothing other than ask my self " Really? Really is this the way we are beginning our new year?" Words can do no justice to wave of darkness that consumed my entirety. I put the sheets in the wash, the most amazing mother fucking comforter known to man, that was super brand new in fact in a trash bag to take to the dry cleaners and clean a couple other party fouls. Once I was arrested for some small thing and had a back pack full of sex toys as I was headed some where to have some fun. I need not describe all the sorts and variety of toys I had, but unless truly liberated as few truly are, one could be mortified as the back pack is emptied and inventoried for the report. You could sit there in shame and embarrassment, worried what could they possibly be thinking of me right now. The other option was to sit up straight, shoulders back head up and own that shit like a mother fucking boss. That moment came back to me that morning. What can I do, at some point I have to take ownership of all of me. Being me comes at very expensive p[rice, and I can't help but often ask my self is the price worth it anymore. I have to be the change I want to see. After everything, emotionally I was spent. Visibly distraught , just because I was going to own it, doesn't mean I can just ignore my actions and make sure that I make right any wrongs I have created. I attempted to explain what was going on inside me. This raging war of "Dude your going to burn this all fucking down again. Your freedom will be gone, and they all will have what they need to show others your a wretched worthless cunt." And "Hello my name is John and I like to party." One could argue, well John look what your doing, its wrong, if you just did this this and this, and didn't do this this and this, then you'll be acceptable." Right and Wrong can only be truly determined with in ones own moral compass, yes there is absolutes, but those are also personal because there is always an exception to the rule. The miracle in all this, the two atoms smashing together creating shock waves though my being was, as all this chaos stimulated me externally, internally I was processing tidal waves of emotions and feelings, choosing at what felt at the time like lightning speed, Which cliff I was going to dive off of. I struggle with sincere desires to stop fighting, I don't need anymore reasons to push me towards that choice. That morning I did what I could, then I excited the situation when I realized that the only thing trying to communicate about it would do was send me deeper into despair, with a person I truly truly care about and enjoyed being around. I crossed a line with my behavior, I was wrong for my actions, but that morning that person crossed a line with there mouth. Granted I get it, things said in those states are rash and not always meant. It falls on me deeply writing this that it goes both ways, how many times has my mouth unleashed dragons that never can be taken back. To many to count, my mouth is a vile hole of poison when backed in a corner or hurt. I have been on this journey of trying to figure out what about my self can I accept, and what can I not, and one thing I struggled with was lying. Dishonesty is incredibly cancerous. I lied in attempts to shield peoples feelings and in doing so turned hand grenades in to planet destroying asteroids. So I made a choice a while back that I no longer would live in lies and deceit, even at the expense of those feelings around me. No I have not been perfect by any means. But I have had moments of absolute revelation when I realized this situation is going to turn into such a one, and it needs to be changed, remedied, or removed. Saturday I spent the day recovering licking my wounds. This ultimately was a lesson. A lesson I took the time to study and prepare for. Sunday, I got up off my duff and started cleaning. My home is not very homie. I am not well off by any means and my house is lacking in decor and the things that make it feel like a home. I am not supposed to be sitting in this home alone, but I am and at the moment there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I can make everything incredibly worse by feeding the dark wolf, and I am I am choosing not to. I know he is still present, I allow him to lay at my feet and know that even I can't deny a scrap or two to lowly beast. I accomplished allot, laundry washed,folded, and put away. I wiped the ceiling fans off, cleaned the base boards, swept and mopped and got my house in order. Now, after showing my ass and feeling as though I have wronged someone, I can be somewhat of a door mat in an attempt to please the other person. I made another decision a few months ago. I want to find peace within, I want to find purpose to my life. I do not want to feel as though I would rather be dead on a daily basis. No one. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, is going to get between my pursuit for these things, and if that becomes the issue, you will no longer be in my life in that moment until you can understand and respect where i am coming from. My house in order, my ability to have walked though that situation the day before, I felt a sense of ease and calm, knowing it would be short lived but I have learned to bask in its warm glow for every moment you can while its there. Granted, I was still emotionally raw, fearful even, as I was trying to make peace and process, there were reactions in my communications with other person, ones that I can completely appreciate the appearance of everything and the feelings of another person also going though there own stuff, that just were not okay. Trauma response, ya straight up trauma response, because that is exactly what happened new years morning, that is what happen several time proceeding it. Tuesday night I was due to return. It was a long day at work, I was tired, emotionally raw trying to wrap my head around several big situations in my life. I stopped at the MC Donald's drive through thinking it would be smart to put something in my stomach. I struggle with people truly understanding where I am coming from. I felt this need for them to understand the nature of what i just went through, and how incredibly dangerous that is for me, because everything could have gone 180 degrees different. That thought "Don't fucking go, its not a good idea." came over me again. This time I would not, no could not ignore it. And so I lied. Right, so much for not living in lies and deceit. I bee lined it home and the reaction was the reaction. I will ask for forgiveness, I will not grovel. Toxic relationships have patterns, cycles they flow in. Not only in the specific relationship i speak of, but the several I have had come and go in the recent past, are me walking into situations I know will hurt. That is vulnerability and is needed for any, any purposeful relationship. But one goes walking into a situation he has walked into over and over again, knowing I'm gonna get hurt, but I'm going to do it anyway, that is unhealthy. I have never not beaten a dead , and this time I am trying so desperately to be aware of the signs, Just because its not right, right now, doesn't mean it can be addressed again in the future. I had to ask my self if I was in a position now, or soon could be, that I could truly give this person what they deserve. Could I live up to that persons expectations of me if that relationship went to the next level, which I think we both were really thinking was going to happen. The answer is no. I am a newly re birthed phoenix crawling out of the ashes of past experience and life, I am learning to truly attempt to find love for myself. Not because of a sense of deserving so, but because I know the alternative not only hurts me, it hurts people that are more important to me than I am my self. The saga will be continued.
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New Years Saga Continued
Posted:Jan 8, 2022 6:55 pm
Last Updated:Jan 9, 2022 7:06 am
563 Views

Goodness fuck ya'll. What a day. I literally just sang about why its to early for ice cream to my self and grabbed a diet coke instead. So to stop even my own mouth, back to new years.
Internet land and Des Moines lets face it, it doesn't matter anymore. You know the movie snatch? Brad pit is in it. The scene of his mothers wake..... If you know the scene and your balls are kinda twinging you know exactly what I am talking about. Yet the deepest part of me has always done its best to protect from that spot, that is my happy space. So new years the dragon chasing me. The dragon being this this surge of emotion and feeling that I knew would knock my fucking ass side ways. Fuck mother fuck I sat here and said don't go, don't go mother fucker. BUT FUCK ME! I went, and the emotional dramatic plot twist or what ever you want to call it is fucking stupid. Even after the, Wanna get points ask about this side bar in my voice memos, Freshly showered and looking daper as fuck i exited the bathroom, *said in the voice of Tom Segura "I Tell you WhuUT!" Dragon on my heals, I quickly forgot me. The Dragon on the other hand never took its eyes off me. These people were amazing, I'm a fucked up mess but apparently I always leave an impression. The fucked up and important part of this is that I knew I placing my self in a place of absolute vulnerability and.........Lets just say this. Some one pissed their bed. Look all the evidence and even carmon sandiego said that all the fingers pointed to me, and fuck, fair enough because it was me.
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Wanna know what really grinds my gears Koehog
Posted:Jan 8, 2022 6:56 am
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2022 6:11 pm
578 Views

Ignorance is absolute bliss, and sadly I can not share in such a feeling over this curant situation. I dont even know how to write about this in such a fashion to not shed light on what i perceive to be someone else issues. Presumptuous as fuck, yes I know, but I attempt anyway. I feel as though the last 6 years of my self have been cloaked in darkness, pain, despair, loss, and ultimately to a choice to live on more day trying to be better than I was yesterday, to choose to live, knowing that I can always change my mind. But if one is focused on their desire to die so tightly how can one say their even trying. I digress. So I have spent the last two years with the mind set of "if I can find purpose, peace of mind, and acceptance and love for my self" I will continue, I will ask for help, I will say I dont know, I will take direction, and ultimately realizing that no one can give it to me. I have to be the one to find what is true and I will work for me. This one size all everyone gets better if they do XYZ bullshit kills fucking people. All things considered, those around me, who used to use guilt and shame to influence my actions and consistently keep me in their pocket, who held such a toxic and sick ability to pull me back in, think or claim I am the same worthless piece of shit I have always been. For once I disagree and am not allowing such influences in, regardless of the immense price I have to do so. But from New Years Eve to this moment now, FUCK ME YALL. I mean really come fuck me, gonna fuck the pain away, I I . We have a catalyst, now its kinda heavy, but no more heavy or surprising than anything else. But like Chinese water torture, one drop of water after thousands will drive a man to madness. Its like when you get hit so fucking hard your just confused and everything slows down as your trying to figure out what the fuck just happened and what your supposed to do to respond to it. At that moment I was sitting on my couch, I was due somewhere in an hour, the roads were getting terrible and my feeling of impending doom rising daily at the point, but always wanting to be what I can for everyone else, I like this person, they brought about things I am not going to discuss but lets just say they are new star in an otherwise dark night sky. Things happened, things like I had such an amazing holy fuck awesome time with people I didn't know but were so absolutely amazing and kind sweet and fun. This happens all after having thoughts of "There is dragon chasing you and this isn't a very good idea" "Can you bottle up your little feelings and emotions enough to act like a big boy tonight'? I am meeting a group of this persons friends I dont know, I am socially awkward and would rather show you my dick then let you see my heart. I will say this, upon getting there I had to shower, upon pleasantries and introductions I excuse my self to the bathroom and begin getting all my things ready to hop in and take a quick shower, actually I fully intended to enjoy that water pressure cause my shower sucks shit and spend some time with some self care, no not jacking off, taking my time and treating my body well as far as making an attempt. But what happened and gave me a sense of I am exactly where I am supposed to be when I over hear the cutest conversation between my friend and one of theirs. I hear their friend saying "Oh Jeffry dhamer was a cutie I would have totally fucked him" Hate to leave you hanging but I have to be somewhere soon and I need to go over all the spelling mistake and continue later.
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Where else does one have left to delve
Posted:Jan 2, 2022 6:58 pm
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2022 7:19 pm
637 Views

So where does one go other than here to reveal whats underneath his skin? Well here, because if I can look inside your from ever angle and opening, then I can let you look behind the curtain. Held together with duct tape and bubble gum I stand before you in all my prince of pathetic glory, To feel like I am unstoppable and not deserving of an entire breath all at the same time is exhausting. I am the phoenix, again and again I shall rise from the ashed to become more and more magnificent. To inwardly hold the perceptions of others while outwardly putting on the smile that i use to act not like a failure has become the norm.
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Burnt and Stretched Thin (2)Jules1590
Jan 19, 2022 2:15 pm
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