STANDING OUT IN THE CROWD
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Posted:Apr 1, 2020 7:31 am
Last Updated:Apr 6, 2020 2:41 pm
2128 Views
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Since we're all being socially distant in the real world....you're all doing that right? I'm sure no one here would break the guidelines our governments are so carefully laying out just to get a little sexual healing, would they? I'm shocked. Anyway, since most (maybe) are keeping a safe distance, for now, it may be a good time to work on some of the 'ole profiles and messages we're sending in order to make ourselves stand out in the crowd. I'm not talking like a sick zebra trying to keep up with the herd stands out to the lioness as she licks her chops.
I'm obviously speaking to my fellow dudes here because, we all know, the ladies just need to put that they're female on their profile and, like the pack of hyenas swarming in to chew on the remaining bones of that poor sick zebra, the fellas around here will send various, sometimes unsavory, messages including the infamous dick pics in mass. So, my question for the ladies is, what has stood out to you in profiles or messages you're most likely to respond to? And, for the guys, what do you feel works best when you're sending messages or what has been noticed about your profile, you think?
I've had positive comments on mine but, tbh, my brand of humor has probably gotten me in trouble more times than it has gotten me into someone's...um....good graces. Maybe we can help some of these sick zebras that always seem to get swallowed whole here. Okay, maybe swallowing is a bad analogy to use on a sex site but you get my point.[\SIZE]
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FAKE PROFILE IDENTIFICATION 101
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Posted:Feb 28, 2020 7:16 am
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2020 7:25 am
1862 Views
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So, a little knowledge dropping for the fellas, again. Ladies, this may just be for entertainment value (that's pretty much all I'm here for, anyway); however, you may, one day, find yourself trying to decide if that African prince from that country you've never heard of really does want to marry you and you just have to give him your bank account and routing number so he can deposits his untold millions. This may help you decide.
For anyone that has been around here, for that matter, around any social media platform that takes advantage of the male short circuit that happens when we get the slightest glimpse of female flesh or the whisper of hope of attention from a woman we could possibly, under the right lighting conditions, consider attractive, it comes as no surprise that there are, shall we say, less than scrupulous entities poised to manipulate that little reptilian brain of ours for all it's worth. To help out my poor, easily manipulated brethren, I'm going to give a quick down and dirty list of how to easily spot these shady characters in the world of Heated Affairs.
1. This one is obvious but, you know, when you're not in your right mind, you might miss a thing or two; but, if the profile picture looks like the girl is the latest Victoria Secret's cover model and Ansel Adams, himself, took the photographs, odds are, it's a fake profile.
2. I know that English is not everyone's first language but if the writing in the profile looks like Google translator just threw up the Webster dictionary into the toilet that is their profile, I'd be pretty cautious of that one.
3. While we're on the subject of how the profile is written, what is written there is usually a good clue, as well. If the hot twenty something that says she's looking for any type of man (yes, even you, guy that has a giant head that looks like that creepy BK king) is pontificating about how she likes long walks and the sweet baby Jesus but "her" status is how she wants to ride strangers like an unbroken bronco, might want to pay attention to the duplicity there and not just polish your own saddle to the status message.
4. Speaking of status messages, there are a handful that the consortium of fake profiles likes to use. I can't list them all here but you'll start to recognize them when you see them; phrases like:
"My friends say I have a dominant personality"
"I don't like the bar scene...."
"I like traditional sex"
You get the idea.
5. My fifth and final, for now, tip to identify these rapscallions is to look at the username. They often use a specific pattern. It's usually firstname_lastname(random number) for example Jenny_Smith8675309
There you have it, the down and dirty guide to steering clear of the fakes. None of you guys are going to take heed but I've done my civic duty.
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You Can't Always Get What You Want
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Posted:Feb 7, 2020 1:52 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 1:57 pm
2636 Views
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I got a reality check recently I didn't really want, but that sucker went straight into my mental bank account. I had been chatting with this wonderful lady for over a week, now. The intellectual attraction was undeniable and there was a definite physical attraction on both sides and we're both too old to use cat ear filters so you know that shit was real. However, from the beginning, I was relegated to the dreaded "friend zone". I've been here before, folks, and if anyone can climb out of that deep dark hole, it's yours truly. And, slowly but surely, I made that climb with one witty turn of a phrase after another. Then, as soon as I could see the light of day and my hand was about to take hold of that last and final ledge to pull myself up out and into the 'sexual healing zone' (copyright Marvin Gaye), I made one misstep, one slight calculation was off, and she bent down, grabbed my hand and hurled me right past the friend zone into 'that one guy I used to talk to and was kinda cool' zone.
What caused my great fall from grace? Did I zig when I should've zagged? Should I have used a filter on that last selfie I sent? I think about that last one from time to time. Honestly, we knew from the beginning we were not destined to have any sort of relationship beyond a few interesting conversations. Each of us required things the other wasn't willing or able to give. Yet, because we both struggle to find a partner that fulfills us in the ways we need, we latched on to another fulfilling a few needs at that moment. When you're starving and dehydrated, water can take you a lot further; but, eventually, you're gonna need some grub grub in your tum tum. We can't always be food and water for everyone but we can try to find those that nourish us as much as possible and hang on to them.
Now, if I can just figure out a way to get the hell out of the desert.
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Wanna Fuck?
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Posted:Jan 22, 2020 2:43 pm
Last Updated:Jan 27, 2020 1:05 pm
3024 Views
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"Wanna Fuck?" Or, the dick pic of written introduction messages.
I'm not sure when this phrase or it's numerous variations became so prevalent in the autocomplete texting application (blame Steve Jobs?) of the ever increasing number of guys that throw it out to every female they come across on sites like this one; but, as the first entry of my future blog entitled, "Stop it you Idiot; just stop....Sound advice from one self-saboteur to another" (too wordy?), let me just say delete that shit from your phone's dictionary and never, ever start with that phrase when introducing yourself to someone you have never spoken with and have zero rapport with.
Basically, if you can't say it to a total stranger you walked up to at a bar without immediately ducking like Mohammad Ali fighting George Foreman, don't use it just because you get to hide behind the anonymity of the interwebs. I know what some of y'all are thinking, "but, wise, albeit completely unknown and unread blogging guy, I would totally say it to some chick in the bar". Ok, first, I won't even address the use of the term "chick", I'll leave that to the women's studies majors; but, secondly, I don't care if you're Keanu fucking Reeves, you're not getting away with that phrase 99.9% of the time.
Okay, maybe if you're Keanu and you're walking around with that you just killed an entire crime syndicate to get back, you're all shot up, the is hurt, but you know he'll be okay, and you're crying over the little pooch and some random woman (noticed I said woman and not chick imaginary misogynistic guy I made up for this post) comes up and you look up with a single tear running down your cheek and a slight sniffle, you look dead in her eyes and say, "Wanna fuck?" Okay, then, maybe, and only maybe do you have a greater than zero percent chance of that line working and yet there's still a chance of her finishing the job that a dozen highly trained assassins not working together but coming at you successively, they always come successively, it's like when batman and robin, you know the old 60's Adam West version would get surrounded by the villain's henchmen but they'd only fight like one at a time because even Keanu can't take on a couple dozen trained killers moving in all at the same time. Where was I? Oh, right. There's still a chance that that girl decides to finish the job those assassins started by kicking you in the balls, stabbing you in the throat with the stiletto heals she's been holding the entire night (because they're only designed to walk the ten yards into the bar), taking your and going home, hiding said canine from her landlord because, of course, she leases and signed a no pet clause; but, eventually, landlord, who's always been a little handsy and leers a bit too much, finds out about rescue pup and offers a special deal to this sweet, albeit murderous, lady so she can keep her apartment and, since she just came from the gym, where the elliptical is still broken, for chirssake fix the damn elliptical, she's wearing tennis shoes and not carrying stilettos so she can't very well kill the landlord and, if this was the erotic stories section, maybe she finds some way to "compromise" but it's not, she just packs her shit and leaves.
So, in conclusion, every time you use the phrase, "wanna fuck" as an introduction, a puppy loses its Keanu Reeves and a poor, albeit murderous, girl gets evicted from her home. So, for the sake of freed hostage puppies and women with shitty leases and not too sensible shoes, stop it, you idiot; just stop.
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