GHOSTED! Who you gonna call? Ghost busters  

CarpeJamie 51M  
90 posts
9/17/2021 12:24 pm
GHOSTED! Who you gonna call? Ghost busters


Canadians think of themselves as very nice, polite, reserved and well-mannered people. We say please and thank you all the time, we hold doors open for those who follow behind us. And, of course, we’re always saying SORRY…even when something is not our fault. Diversity is our strength. We are like a UN peace keeping force, trying to deescalate conflict and trying to have everyone just get along. EXCEPT apparently in on-line dating, some of us have adopted the rude, mean and careless practice of GHOSTING.

I was chatting with a couple of people recently who were complaining that they had recently been GHOSTED! For those of you who don’t know what that it … it is cutting off all communication (blocking, ignoring, changing your email/phone number, etc.) with someone who you have been chatting/dating/with for some time. I’m obviously an old fogey now and maybe I don’t understand modern dating …. But there was a time, not long ago, where you break off a relationship in person. It would be considered trashy and poor form to break-up over the phone; and verboten to break up by text. When my fellow Af.F ers told me that they had been Ghosted I couldn’t believe the other person was so rude. How do you just drop off the face of the world after chatting every day and hanging out every weekend--without saying a word. Have we become a society of not caring about our love-interests or like–interests? Have we become so “polite” that we don’t want to hurt someone so we just avoid the difficult conversation all together? Are we just spineless, impolite people now and the anti-Canadian is the new Canadian? Initially I thought this was a one-off situation; but then after talking to other Af.Fers everyone has experienced ghosting at some time. in addition to COVID and opioids -- there is a ghosting pandemic going on.

I thought back to some of the people I met on this app and wondered, “Did I get ghosted?” or even worse “Have I ghosted someone?” I could only come up with two occasions in 30 days. What!? Two incidents in 30 days--that’s like a ghosting epidemic. Here are my stories: I had been messaging a woman back and forth for 2 weeks, It was important to her that we develop a connection before we met in person. I was good with a “blind date” but obliged her any way. I wanted her to feel safe that I wasn’t a jerk and I didn’t want to waste her time (or my time for that matter). We were chatting almost every day. Now, I have to admit, I didn’t feel that our conversations were flowing like passionate lovers; but we were for sure having friendly chats. Then I suggested we finally get together for a coffee. And that was the final message sent between us. No response. Perhaps I should have reached out again, but I never heard back from her again. I guess I got ghosted. Or did I do the ghosting because I never followed up? What’s for sure is the conversation just stopped. I would have appreciated a response—even if it was declining my offer at least I’d know what was going on from her perspective. Now I’m just left to wonder, what happened? Is she wondering the same thing? We’ve both seemed to move on…but I still feel a lack of closure. Shouldn’t there be some kind of etiquette? I’ve done a google search on dating apps etiquette and apparently, according to the Web, I was right not to message a second time…. But am I the only one who has referred to Ms. Manners dating etiquette?

Story number 2 is very similar to story #1 truly; however, I knew that in this case this woman was separating from her husband (be kind--not looking for judgement here – I’m just having coffee with a stranger). Again, after a week or so of messaging back and forth and sharing personal details about one another we got to that point again, where I proposed getting a coffee. My thinking is that going for coffee is a short commitment of time; so, if you think the person you’re meeting is not a match, then you can leave quickly, unlike dinner which is a longer commitment of time and it does send a different message. Now, the benefit of going for coffee is that if you hit it off with one another, then you can linger or extend the meet to a full-on date. Of course, this is a male perspective. The female perspective may be quite different. I’m open to hear from other women about their take on things.

Now maybe she wasn’t ready to actually meet someone – or more specifically meet me. Maybe being in public with another man (other than her husband) when you’re beginning a separation is not a comfortable thing to do. Maybe she was not leaving her husband after all. I do not know, because she never responded to my offer of getting a coffee. I was ghosted again. I still see she’s active on the app; but, it’s probably for the best that our conversation died there. All the same it sucks to get ghosted and people shouldn’t do it, it is not the kind thing to do.

Now I am a true Canadian through and through. So, to these two women that I might have ghosted, if indeed I did, I offer my most sincere apology. I’m sorry. I certainly don’t want be part of the ghosting epidemic too. Let’s end ghosting together and talk.

Please do leave a comment below, telling me about your insights, feelings or experiences about ghosting or about the stories I’ve shared.

Here are some links to dating etiquette for those who are interested

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/online-dating-etiquette-f_b_5488777
https://datingintorontoblog.wordpress.com/category/how-to/
https://datingxp.co/online-dating-etiquette/
https://torontosun.com/life/sex-files/online-etiquette-how-to-avoid-the-creep-factor

Wishing you the kindness of human connection and closure.



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CarpeJamie 51M  
263 posts
9/17/2021 12:32 pm

Are we really facing a ghosting epidemic. Are there good reasons to ghost someone? I'm curious to know what you think.

If you wish to contact me, I've setup a private Mailbox Private message Area WHAT39S IN THE VAULT STAYS IN THE VAULT in my Blog. CarpeJamie

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author51 59F  
129281 posts
9/17/2021 10:54 pm

I was going to write one about the other side of ghosting. I had chatted with a man daily for at least 3 months and went offline as well, i.e. personall email address. One day he did not answer my reply to him which was odd but thought nothng of it. 3 days went by before messaging him again to see if all was okay. No reply that day. I assumed I was ghosted and let it go. A week later he messaged me back. He is a fireman and had been in the hospital for over a week injured from a fire he got called to.. I was relieved to hear back ftom him and he is in recovery at home now. I have been ghosted numerous times over the years here as well and is never pleasant when it happens, but it does my friend.. Great post....xoxo

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CarpeJamie replies on 9/18/2021 8:05 am:
Thank you for sharing Author51. Often there is another side and your story is a perfect example of what can happen. Obviously it would be nice to know the other side when it's not forthcoming. I'm glad to hear your friend is recovering from his injuries. Wishing him good health you you great connections. Thanks for commenting, I appreciate you insights always.

G000dbuddy 34M  
1593 posts
9/18/2021 1:59 am

Nice

goodbuddy781


CarpeJamie replies on 9/20/2021 9:23 am:
thank you. best wishes on your Af.F adventures

countryqueen1 72F

9/18/2021 4:14 am

I too think I've been ghosted at times but try not to take it personally. Maybe my conversation wasn't as scintillating as I thought, or maybe since the only ones who ask me out are on this site I didn't put out as quick as I "should" have. It's very demoralizing, like you're not worthy of a polite not interested after all. I probably have ghosted people at times as well. If so I too am sorry, sometimes it's just a vibe we get from the other person and it seems it's best to just tear the scab off so to speak


CarpeJamie replies on 9/18/2021 8:00 am:
You're absolutely right that one can't take it personally. I suspect it's more about what's going on for the other person. Best wishes with new connections

silk_petal_rose 58F
2343 posts
9/18/2021 2:39 pm

...i have written a blog on ghosting........

After chatting on line for 2 weeks and then meeting over coffee it progressed to chatting daily on other venues and talking on the phone and seeing each other 2-3 times a week,this went of for 6 months...............6 months...........and then nothing........he disappeared into thin air.....

silky...


CarpeJamie replies on 9/18/2021 8:45 pm:
It really makes you wonder how do we not see this bad behaviour coming. Perhaps we are terrible at reading people and predicting others actions. Malcolm Gladwell discusses this in his book "Talking to Strangers.

Hope you never have to experience this again.

BiggLala 49F  
30157 posts
9/19/2021 9:10 am

In my experience with Canadians, you all can't claim that "all Canadians are nice" thing. Like anywhere and anything in life...and the world...there SOME nice, polite, and respectful Canadians, and there's SOME assholes.

Also, I think people misunderstand with ghosting truly is. In in the last few years, it's become to mean someone just stops chatting with you. That isn't ghosting. That is just someone no longer interacting with you online. Ghosting is when someone you've actually met, AND dated for a short period of time, cuts off all contact with you.

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CarpeJamie replies on 9/19/2021 5:07 pm:
Obviously there are all types of people in Canada-and there are assholes too we are not perfect; but we're pretty good in many ways. I have also experienced many racist people too in Canada. However, as a society as a whole, we are generally nice people, less individualistic and more willing to sacrifice for common good of all Canadians.

You're right that language is a fluid construct and over time meanings of words change. I am certainly willing to concede that the strictest sense of ghosting requires you actually meeting in person and dating in person. However, as you say, the term ghosting is now being used more broadly.

It still sucks when someone abruptly no longer interacts with you on-line after doing so for a while. I'd argue an acquaintance may form after several conversations (depending on how deep they are)

I get you point though. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate hearing them.

peninsula_ 51M
181 posts
9/19/2021 5:07 pm

There are other players in this and probably more then I can even think of. I'm talking about wives who place ads as single women to buttress their personal worth. Then guys who fantasize about being someone's girlfriend. Then you can watch "Catfish" the tv show for all those other people I don't even want to know about; could barely watch one show.

A "to boil it all together" analogy would be that this is just a fantasy thing for these people. Something I do with people is attempt a 5 minute meet, in person to see who we are, before too much chatting. Maybe someone can come up with something better?

You can leave me a message here


CarpeJamie replies on 9/20/2021 9:21 am:
You are definitely right that there could be many reasons why someone ghosts. I am hoping to hear from a chronic ghoster to give some insights to their preference to ghosting.

I've been trying to have meets over coffee in a public place ... but I haven't been taken up on it yet. So far I've had the most success meeting people through the local chat rooms and associated meet-ups.

So far so good.

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