80sbaby71 50F
7758 posts
6/8/2012 7:13 am

It seems that no matter what I matter what I do.....I always seems to be wrong.

This has been a rough couple of days. Decisions to be made. Choices. Talks.

I have basically been crying for the last couple of days. I have spent my entire life being told how worthless I was. Not wanted. Never would be wanted. This by family.

My now ex husband told me that there was no reason to dress up, wear make up...etc. No need. And when we one will ever want you. I like to think it was the alcohol speaking, but somehow don't think it was completely to blame.

My grandmother raised me after my mom died. She told me repeatedly that my mom never wanted me. She wanted to throw me away. I like to think it was mental illness speaking, somehow I don't think it was completely to blame.

I have spent my life always being there for everyone around me. I always took care of everyone else. Their needs, their feelings, my whole life. I have let people walk all over me. Stomp my heart, my feelings and make me feel completely worthless. I even believed it.

Yesterday was rough. I cried. I listened to endless sad songs. I cried with my teddy bear. I posted sadness on the bookface. And you know what? I was reprimanded. I was told that I was being hurtful to others.

I took mini me to a youth function last night. Casual. I went inside, I sat in the dark. I wasn't being unsocial. I was keeping from crying. I also needed to be alone. I had a vicious headache. Probably because I had not slept. Had not eaten. Friends said hello, I responded in like. No I didn't make small talk. When meeting was over, I got in my car....I drove home.

I know I am a bad person. I am a bad mother because I don't listen to my the way a "good mother" should. I don't take critism very well. I take everything to heart. So when cruel words are thrown at me....I believe them, I take them to heart, and guess hurts.

I needed a hug yesterday. I needed someone to hold me. I need to be told that everything would be ok.

Everything that I say gets taken into the wrong context. I say one thing it is taken to mean that I am cold. I sit quietly it is taken to be that I am rude. I cry and it is taken to mean that I am wanting people to feel sorry for me. I don't know anymore.

Guess what? I woke up this morning. I opened my eyes. I checked my emails. I read my Bookface.... I read my watched blogs.

I am alive.

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