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My Girl Parts  

NickKiwi 61M
0 posts
1/12/2022 5:42 pm
My Girl Parts


Last Saturday, 1-8-22, I went to X3, an adult entertainment expo. It the first such event I have been to, though I had wanted to experience one for a very long time. I decided to go to this one for two reasons: the tickets were free, plus a fee, so very cheap; there going to be a screening of a film about the true story of a trans woman, directed by Joanna Angel, one of my favorite porn stars/directors. The film is called Casey, A True Story.

I had imagined what the expo would be like, lots of booth porn and adult products, maybe some that were targeted towards trans and gender fluid people like me, and a lot of porn girls (dressed) posing and their merchandise. It seemed like a lot of fun, but I also figured it could be a bunch of horny, creepy, basement dwelling dudes acting poorly.

The venue very , and there wasn't nearly as much to see as I imagined, but there were beautiful women in skimpy outfits, and it was perfectly alright to be openly at them. Some of them seemed sincerely friendly and happy to meet fans, others seemed to be putting it on, or even openly surly. There were a few gay male targeted booths, and while I wasn't attracted to these, the men seemed very friendly and smiled easily.

I had worn my trans flag wristband and Two Spirits Are Sacred shirt, hoping that someone might recognize them and share a moment of identification. Only one person mentioned the shirt, thankfully he was very positive.

I had seen every booth and table within a relatively short time, but there was nothing saying when the screenings and panels were scheduled. After a few hours I finally found the time for Casey's screening.

I attended one other screening, actually a deeply edited version of a werewolf themed porn movie with all the "good parts" cut out for the expo (strictly R rated content only). The movie was awful, and the makers disappointing, and when it came time for the Q&A, not a single person in attendance had any questions. "Oh, I guess you've already seen it!" was all the director had to say.

The Casey screening, also heavily edited, was later. I took a seat near the front, and, I realized just a few feet from Casey herself. She was breathtakingly beautiful, tall, and I tried very hard not to stare or in anyway make her feel objectified or uncomfortable. Joanna arrived shortly after, and she was even more beautiful than the last time I had met her. She was the embodiment of a powerful, successful, sexually expressive, self-made woman, and I was reminded of my new found awareness that more than wanting to be with her, physically, I find myself wanting to BE her.

The film was not well acted, but even so, the story of a biker coming to realize that he's actually not gay but a woman, resonated with me, deeply. Up to that point in the film, Casey's part was played by a man. When the scene came of him being wheeled into the surgery and then cut to her coming out, bandaged but finally her true self, I cried. From there on out, Casey played herself.

The Q&A was much more lively than the earlier one, and people asked Casey about finding motorcycle clubs like hers, where gay and trans people are accepted and welcomed. Casey talked about reliving the emotions of many of the scenes as they filmed them. I wanted so badly to raise my hand and tell Joanna and Casey how I applauded their courageousness in making the film, and to thank Casey for telling her story. I didn't.

After they concluded, I wanted to get a picture with Joanna, but I felt that I couldn't ask Casey. As Casey was coming towards me, heading for the exit, I gathered myself and managed to say, simply, "Casey, thank you..." She heard me, because she looked at me, briefly, but then seemed like she just shrugged it off and walked away without any further interaction. I felt as if I'd intruded, maybe even made her feel uncomfortable. I felt alien, where I had hoped to feel both supportive and recognized as a fellow traveler.

When I eventually left the expo, I was filled with a sense of unidentifiable unease. I expected to find like minded or kindred people, even if we were the minority, but, in the end, I didn't. I also expected to feel the sort of affirming contact I feel when I have attended seminars at The Pleasure Chest, or at strip clubs, having had actual physical contact with a sexual being.

I didn't feel any of those things. I texted my friend Ashley and told him I felt hornier and more sexually frustrated that I had in a very long time. I equated this with neither being allowed to touch these women, or to touch myself to physically release the fantasy I was seeing.

Sunday, I found myself depressed and uncomfortable most of the day, sad, lonely, desperately wanting to be held and loved and made love to. That night I didn't sleep well. I woke up at 3am and rolled around for an hour, knowing that I was desperate to be touched. Around 4 an idea came to me, I wanted to "sleep as a ". I wanted to be naked and free and feel the sensuality of my own body.

I lay on my side, realizing that there a problem with my idea; my boy parts were very uncomfortably getting in the way. Another idea; tuc I have never tried to tuck before, but I have read about how many trans women and crossdressers accomplish it, so I gave it a try. It a uncomfortable at first, but I quickly started to settle into the "new body", and relax. I let my hands roam around my body, just enjoying the sensation of being a . I felt wonderful, free, new. Until, that is, I came to where my clitoris supposed to be. There nothing, just ordinary skin with no special sensation.

For most of my life I've had transient thoughts that I wished I had a vagina, wondering how it would feel, wanting to be, if just for a moment, a . As I am coming to understand my identity, I have spent a lot of time mentally being a woman, actively imagining that the sensations I feeling at that moment were in my breasts and vagina. This the first time I recall ever feeling that I actually in the wrong body. In that moment I knew I a woman in a man's body, and it wrong. I wrong.

In reflecting back, the next day, I tried to understand all the things that lead up to the feelings and put them in their correct place. I also examined the feelings of the expo, Casey, the otherness. I realized something that has been poking at the corners of my consciousness for a while now. The beautiful women that I at, I really wishing that I could be like them, to look sexy and be desired, to<b> wear </font></b>the alluring clothes, but fully aware that I could never look like that. I cannot be what has become acceptable as beautiful. I'm too manly to be a woman, and to womanly to be taken as a man.

Approaching the women I saw, I wanted to be seen as a woman they could be friends with, maybe love physically, but none of them could see me. There were a couple of women that were genuinely friendly, maybe they even read my feminine energy and took down their defenses for a moment. Maybe they felt the attraction to the lesbian inside the man-shaped-person.

It's all very new, now. Trying to figure out who I am and who will love this person as either a girlish boy or a man-shaped woman.

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