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Why my marriage fell apart. (or what did I do wrong?)  

Sephctc79 44M
0 posts
12/19/2020 5:26 am
Why my marriage fell apart. (or what did I do wrong?)


I married my High School Girlfriend when I was 20 and she was 19. We moved into a condo my father helped buy, and I was making the payments the bank it off.
She didn't work, I was bouncing between jobs. He had a moderate sized social group, but mostly stuck hanging out with other couples. One such couple - adam and eve - were together, but not a great couple, and were only holding together because they had a together. In fact, Adam wanted out of the relationship, but didn't want to be compare to his father, who ran out on him when he was very young. Adam used to try to get Eve to show interest in other guys, and try to put her in a position, usually drunk, to act on it. Thus giving him a reason to break up with her, and get out of that situation. Adam is a shitty dude.
and my ex made it through our first year, and decided that we were gonna try have . She went off her BC, and we started increase our sex sessions during her fertile times. Typical stuff. As time went on, and my 'job bouncing' wasn't really settling, we decided move in with my parents. Her mother, while being a vocal part of her life, was not willing help us, seeing 'having ' as a situation we should avoid.
So, we're living with my parents, i'm working, and she's helping out around the house. A few months pass by, I lose the job I had, and was having issues finding another job.
We go a typical 'Saturday' social gathering we participated in (Vampire LARPing) and Adam and Eve were there. Eve had found out some distressing news about her softball coach from High School, and was not in a good mindset. Since Adam was such a great guy, he basically left her alone the moment they arrived. Being a considerate and caring person, I ended talking with Eve for most of the night, being the shoulder for her, that Adam should have been.
Apparently, while this was going , Adam was telling my ex that Eve and I were outside, having sex. My ex didn't try investigate it, but believed him, and started getting upset. One of the organizers of the gathering (call him Dick) used the opportunity plant more seeds in her head, and tried convince her leave that night. It didn't happen, but the seed was planted. They started talking online and over the phone without knowing.
She apparently made a plan get us kicked out of my parents house, and then leave under the impression of 'staying at a friends house'. She went through with the plan. She started a big fight with my parents, in which we had leave. I spent the money I had saved, paying for a hotel room, and trying talk my parents over the phone, which she was sabotaging as part of her plan.
When we finally ran out of money, we ended spending a weekend at, Ironically, Adam and Eve's house. She 'came ' with the idea of going home work out things with my parents, and her going stay by a 'friends' house. This 'friend' was Dick, who apparently had a friend who's roommate just moved out, and had an extra room my ex could stay in. So, begrudgingly, and with no other choice, I went along with it.
Turns out, Dick didn't have a friend with a room, he rented out a Condo unit for a month, and had her stay there. This happened the week before Thanksgiving, and went past Thanksgiving.
Dick was meeting my ex at the condo daily, where they would have unprotected sex repeatedly, and he would leave her go work. Bear in mind, my ex was still off her BC and into the habits of us trying to get pregnant.
I'm arguing with my parents, trying to forge an agreement that'll make everyone happy, and we can move back in.
My ex starts trying to make a long term plan with Dick, moving away together, etc. etc. Thanksgiving arrives, and she was adamant that she was gonna meet me at a restaurant to have Thanksgiving dinner together, as we should. She didn't show. The next day, I went to the same restaurant and called her, upset over what has been happening. It turns out things were breaking down on her end, as Dick had no intention of changing his life, as he still loved his WIFE, and they were expecting their 2nd together. Dick was just using her for sex, and she was too stupid to see it.
So, now she has to come back to me, and try to smooth things over, and hope I don't figure out what happened. He drops her off at the back of the restaurant, throwing her clothes out of the car and speeding off.
I take her back, like an idiot. I believed her when she explained a bogus story to me. And we moved forward. The situation was fixed with my parents, and we kept moving forward.
4 months later, and she's having mixed feelings. She felt bad for how she almost left things, but she was still mad because she thinks I cheated on her. She confides in a mutual friend of ours - Teresea - who at first says nothing and keeps it to herself. But after a while, she can't hold it in and tells her BF. He wants to come forward and tell me everything, but Teresea wont let him. After two weeks of their tension, the BF tells me - 'Dude, your wife cheated on you.' Having thought this was related to a personal issue that happened over a decision Teresea made that my ex didn't like, I brushed it off at first. When he insisted, I said 'I'm gonna need proof. Otherwise it's gonna turn into a big huge drama-fest and everyone will get pissed.'
Two days later, while we were all at a Billiard Hall, Teresea, her BF, Adam, and one of my closest friends sat me down and told me what they heard, what had happened with Dick. When I went to confront my ex, she ran off. She went with a 'friend' of ours who was having a house party that we were supposed to be going to that night. They took off while I was looking for her, and when I contacted them, they said she'd talk to me at the party. When I got to their house, they wouldn't let me in, and threatened to call the cops on me for threatening my ex, which I never did.
After giving her 3 tries to come out and talk to me, which she refused, I left, and went home. I kept trying to call her for a week after, and she would not talk to me. Then, I gave up.
6 months later she calls me to try and reconcile, and I told her that she made her choice, and it wasn't to work on saving our marriage. (she had cheated on me 3 more times in the 6 months, and wasn't really tryig to hide it.) I told her the only way she would see me is if it was to sign divorce papers. Which she did. We ended up meeting once a week for 2 months till the divorce date was set and everything was finalized. I had to pick her up from her new BF's parents house to take her to the courthouse. I bought her lunch afterwards, where she finally asked me about what she thought happened with me and Eve. Her eyes grew wide when I told her nothing ever happened, and I had never cheated on her. She never mentioned it. But she told a few people about it years later, and that's when I found out that was why she did what she did.
So, for ten years after our divorce, I kicked myself and pondered what happened and why things went the way they did. In the 4 months between her cheating and her leaving, we started 'couples therapy' which lasted 1 session, because the therapist wanted to do indiviual sessions before starting the couples sessions. Apparently, she told the therapist about cheating on me, and the therapist said she couldn't serve as our couples therapist.
5 years after the divorce, I decided I needed to try a therapist for me, since I really had no emotional support from friends or family. (they would all say it was my fault for marrying her, I knew she was a nutjob, etc. etc.) and the therapist they assigned to me was the same one who was supposed to be our marriage counsellor. That didn't help. And I still have not had a relationship or anything more than 1 fling since. And that fling was pretty fucked up, too.
But that's the story of my fucked up marriage and the effect it has had on me.

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