Reset Password
If you've forgotten your password, you can enter your email address below. An email will then be sent with a link to set up a new password.
Cancel
Reset Link Sent
If the email is registered with our site, you will receive an email with instructions to reset your password. Password reset link sent to:
Check your email and enter the confirmation code:
Don't see the email?
  • Resend Confirmation Link
  • Start Over
Close
If you have any questions, please contact Customer Service

Funnies  

87120ABQletsgo 56M
0 posts
5/2/2017 6:37 pm
Funnies


They say that no two women are the same. But I need to keep checking for myself to be sure.

I like women to tell their friends that they are busy because a guy from the service department is coming over.

I went to a memorial service one time and met a woman who was also a friend of my friend. We got to talking and she invited back to her place to talk about our late, mutual, friend. Well, stories went to consoling, then somehow, we ended up kissing. She led me to the bedroom and told me that she had a surprise for me. She came out of the bathroom dressed like a nun. I am not Catholic, so fucking a woman dressed up like a nun didn’t do much for me. I got more excited when, the next time, she dressed like a priest.

One of the best episodes kissing a girl that I had ever had turned out to be a guy in drag. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions that night!

The best kisser I ever had was a girl who worked the drive-up window at Artic Circle in Hermiston, Oregon. Her name was Tamara and she lived in nearby Umatilla. That girl had some kind of extra special mouth skills! Thank somebody for inventing the drive-up window.

The best blowjob I ever had: I met this woman online, in Chat, and she invited me over to her house. After we fixed dinner and ate, she set her young to watching the TV from the sofa. She got a couple blankets and pillows, and laid them on the floor. We got between the blankets. Then after a while, she started messaging the solider. Next, she shifted her way down under the blanket and went to town. It only dawned on me latter why this blowjob was the best I have ever had, while her head was down there, under the blanket where I couldn’t see, while her watched his movie, she had slipped out her false teeth that I knew nothing about. At least I never had to see her without them. It was so damn good though.

One time, I wanted to make an audio recording having sex with this woman who was a great moaner. I put the tape recorder on the bottom shelf of this old coffee table she had. Well, another thing led to one, and after spending half the time fucking on that coffee table, we moved to dining room table for round two of waxing the furniture (the next morning, we found that she ended up bruising her back pretty bad with all that time in the woodshop). When we went to listen to the tape, most of what we heard was this very loud creaking sound as the wood meshed together with the table moving back and forth. CREAK, CREAK, moan, CREAK, CREAK!

Outdoors: Well, there was this one time. A woman and I had gone down to Tucson. While there, we decided to take a day-trip to Tombstone. After doing the touristy things, we headed back to Tucson. As we neared the city, the sun lay heavy on the western horizon. I was so damn horny that I had to have her. I pulled off at the next exit after I spotted a big gravel transfer and storage area for the highway department. I wheeled in, jumped out, went around and pulled her out of the car forcefully. At first I leaned against the front while she squatted down to inspect my tool. Soon, I quickly spun around and put her on the hood of the car in another strong controlling motion. There in the twilight of that Arizona evening, as the cars went zooming past on westbound I-10, I ate and pumped like an old combination diner and filling station. Ding. Ding. (Thank General Motors I didn’t have a stand-up hood ornament on that car!)

Did I tell you about the time that a waitress took a hungover me back to her place, and, after she made me shower with her, have manual and oral that started in the bathroom, moved to the bedroom for an Olympic trial event, I woke up in her bed-with all four limbs restrained to each corner post and starring at the celling? It was a half-bottle of Scotch morning, and I had been tired and couldn’t help but fall asleep after the workout she gave me. I woke up, now restrained, just knowing that she might have called a group of middle age hillbillies from up-river to come make me squeal to the music of dueling banjos. Luckily that didn’t happen. But, after she stimulated me to attention again, she introduced me to my first anal experience by lowering herself on to my cock. I didn’t have much to say in the matter. And, after my initial trepidation, was soon glad that I didn’t have a vote. Besides, she got what she wanted without even having to ask and try to talk me into it. And, I didn’t have to shriek like a pig. Although near the finish, she made a sound that was pretty damn close.

Do people still fall for the line: “If we take off our clothes we will catch more fish”?

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck? Depends on the Chuck and the wood!

From the MISQUOTED POETRY DEPARTMENT: “The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. And I have miles to fuck before I sleep.”

You know that “Ask Marilyn” column in the Parade magazine? I wrote to her and asked her: “What are the odds, and what percentage of the male population, will die just as they ejaculate?” They never published my question. But, isn’t that they way to go? Ladies, consider it a compliment. Sorry about the hassle of having to explain it to the authorities. And, maybe your husband.

I applied for a government research grant. I wanted to handout modified fitness trackers to twenty-year old’s and see how many pelvic thrusts they will make in their lifetime.

So, speaking of that, I went to the doctor. He said, in a half-Bavarian half-Indian accent, “You need to strengthen your core by making a thrusting motion back-and-forth with your pelvis.” – I said, “That sounds very boring.” – He said, “Vigorous intercourse will work.” – I said, “Can you write me a script for that?” – As he went to leave the room, I said, “You know that is how I aggravated it in the first place?” – He said, “Take it slow and warm up for twenty minutes first.” – I wonder if there is a guide; Better Back Care Through Intercourse? – Don’t ask the receptionist Helen on the way out. She’s a prude!

May your lug nuts always be tight and your fifth-wheel always greased!

OKAY: I need some new escapades to write about. Volunteers should go now and click on the message box. Now. Click. Type. Send.

If wood stays wet for a long time it might warp.

I am just looking to play around. I am looking for a muse to use. Somebody to help give me a story that I can blow somebody's else's socks off.

Become a member to create a blog